The University of Washington has become ground zero for Seattle’s treacherous cough and cold season. Students are dropping like flies as dorms, fraternities, and even classrooms have become breeding grounds for sickness.
Trump ekes out a win after canceling every single mail-in ballot (again, but it worked this time) in a slow slide of land election. He officially broke the 270 mark yesterday morning after those pesky election workers finally finished counting with all their fingers and toes, not quite eviscerating Kamala Harris but at least hitting a T-bag.
To say that the 2024 Presidential Race will be a turning point in the history of the United States is dumb, because that’s what every single presidential race is, that’s the point. The president, once elected, does their job and then things happen, at least that’s what I’m led to believe. We the voters of like 7 states bestow a great power onto one individual, so the decision of those people in those 7 states should not be taken lightly. As a trusted news organization who’s readers span the globe*, Off Leash News felt like it was time we shared our informed and unbiased and stupid opinion on this presidential race. We have decided to officially endorse Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President.
Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has been since I was a wee lad, dressing up as Obi-Wan Kenobi or a zombie that one time. I was never into candy that much, but I was obsessed with the pageantry of Halloween. I’ve never been so into fashion than when I’m picking out my costume. That zombie costume I mentioned was actually really cool; we burned the edges of my t-shirt, spread charcoal stains on my jacket, and bloodied my face with some blood we found in our backyard. One year I was a hobo, which you can’t do anymore because of the woke left, but I embodied what it meant to be a homeless man as a 10-year old because we were living in a simpler time. I’m not even gonna talk about the time I was a princess.
If everything else fails, one thing remains true: University of Washington will never be outdone by Washington State University. Not in academics, not in location, not in football unless you count those times that were fake anyways, and certainly not in sexually offending students. Therefore, when Washington State came under fire in mid-September for allowing a level three sex offender to attend classes, University of Washington administration knew it had to do something.
Career fairs have taken the job market by storm, revolutionizing how students think about career networking. The University of Washington touts numerous patterns where these fairs can be discovered, including a unique section on the platform Handshake. On the ground, though, the situation is dire. There are far too few recruiters and too many attendees. Third-year comp science student, Michael Bayely, described his concerns over having attended so many career fairs to middling results.
If you’ve ever wanted to see how Senator Romney loosens up during his visits to Miami, or what Representative Boebert wishes she wore while at the movie theater, you’re in luck.
News broke Wednesday, October 16 that One Direction “star” Liam Payne has died after falling from a Buenos Aires balcony, much to the dismay of many fans. The “singer” was reportedly behaving erratically and was believed to be under the influence of drugs and alcohol.
First things first, I’m really fucking smart. I got a 1420 on my SAT’s when I was a junior in high school, and Harvard just about got down on their knees and sucked whatever I’ve got down there just to beg me to come to them. But lucky for you guys, I chose the University of Washington in good ol’ Seattle, because somebody’s gotta tell those dusty seismo-nerds jacking it to little heart monitor scribbles when they need to ditch the “Drop. Cover. And Hold On.”
As the school year opens, so do many hearts, and also many legs. This can be fine, especially with those who are okay bumping uglies and then never seeing their ugly bumping partner again, however not everyone can be that emotionally unavailable and unafraid to stare down the looming monster known as chlamydia. And God knows that for every unabashed slut roaming UDistrict, there’s a hopeless romantic with misguided trust sitting at home. Or at a bar.
After over nearly a century of brewing Second Amendment tensions, Americans have cultivated a reputation for being gun-loving freedom whores armed with military-grade assault rifles. In recent years though, something else has become clear. Maybe it’s not reallythat surprising we got our asses kicked in Vietnam. Clearly none of you bitches can shoot a gun.
FWOC. (First Week of Class, for any losers.) A time honored tradition. The only time when it really does seem like 40,000 students go to this school, because somehow every single one of them has managed to get in my way today.
In a somewhat shocking announcement this morning, the Office of Ceremonies has stated that 2024 Annual Commencement ceremonies across all departments, including The Big One, will be canceled, though the reason behind this decision remains unclear to the public. In an email sent to all students, faculty, and staff, the Office of Ceremonies also included a link to a file titled “womp_womp.mp3,” which, predictably, was an audio recording of a melancholy trombone sound.
The UW Alumni Association, UWAA (not to be confused with UW Alcoholics Anonymous – also commonly referred to as Off Leash News) is one of the great benefits of being a member of the UW Dawg Pack. The association gives UW Alumni the opportunity to add people you don’t know on Linkedin, see people make six figures working at Amazon right out of college while you are stuck working as a barista, and check up on the guy you hooked up with two years ago.
The University of Washington administration is having a great week. The campus is looking beautiful in its spring greenery and students are super engaged and excited to learn. The administration wants to assure everyone that everything is fine and normal and that nothing is going on out of the ordinary.
The Washington based aviation company, Boeing, has been in the news recently for all of the wrong reasons. From doors flying off their airplanes, maybe definitely killing whistleblowers, and a bunch of other stuff that I don’t want to research, the company’s public image is in a complete free fall. Curiously, however, the University of Washington, this past Monday, named Boeing as the title sponsor of the popular swimming spot and also crew racing course, the Montlake Cut.
On Tuesday, the University of Washington’s Office of Admissions announced its plans to begin distributing fines of up to $500 to students heard speaking negatively about any physical or metaphysical thing associated with the UW in front of tour groups. This decision comes after an unusually high number of admitted students electing to attend other universities in 2024.
For many years, both football fans and students alike have adored anthropomorphic mascot Harry the Husky. With his bombastic attitude, cheeky smile, and muscular physique, he truly lights up the stadium and brings it home every time he runs onto the field. But even the most studious college football scholars may not remember Harry the Husky’s whimsical companion: his human handler, Alan.
Sometimes, especially as a college student, you might find yourself eagerly anticipating your next paycheck. Worry not! META has a new solution for you- and all you have to do is sign over your dignity.
Last night, UWPD apprehended a long-term target the organization had been chasing for months. The department is “more than pleased” with the outcome of this case, and wants to let UW students know that the campus is in “good hands.”
With the promise of adding New York Times Games subscriptions for all and Cooking subscriptions for the lucky, UW students are paying attention to the ASUW election for the first time ever. Well, except for poli-sci majors who fervently masturbate to C-SPAN. They’ve been voting in these for a while.
Orenthal James Simpson, more commonly known as OJ Simpson or “The Juice,” passed away on April 11, 2024. A statement released from OJ’s family relieved that The Juice had passed due to complications with prostate cancer. As with many events surrounding OJ’s life, there appear to be details that are unclear with the situation at hand.
This past Monday, students at the University of Washington were surprised to see an opaque glass barrier hanging in mid-air across the Rainier vista. The glass barrier appears to have been strategically placed to block the sight of Mt. Rainier from every angle, with no evidence of construction having undergone beforehand. When Off Leash News reached out to the University for an explanation, we were told that the view of the mountain will now be locked behind a paywall.
There are many signs around campus that spring hath indeed sprung. Students pretending to read on the quad, couples taking their wedding photos directly in your path to class at 9 in the morning, and weird amounts of middle schoolers roaming around in the Hub. But perhaps most notable and exciting are the increasingly warm-weather-oriented fashion choices that are spreading throughout the student body.
Recently, the Associated Students of the University of Washington, or ASUW, which is best known for sending you emails, came out with a bold new live dating show featuring students from our very own university. Unfortunately, none of our writers were able to get in. Let it be known we all applied, but none of us were selected. I received an email back only containing my headshot and the subject line “lol,” but bygones are bygones.
Spring has sprung in the University of Washington, which means that it’s going to start raining only six out of the seven days of the week, as opposed to eight. But with the oncoming of clearer skies and sunnier days, so does the onslaught of—you know them, you love them—tourists.
A shocking revelation has been presented to Off Leash News from esteemed reporter Jacob Dindler: every woman on University of Washington’s campus has a boyfriend.
A single-family home. A loving spouse. 2.5 kids. Doesn’t that sound nice? All of this could be in your future. But judging by the state of your life right now, it won’t be. The problem is that you have a terrible addiction: You can’t stop making daily purchases between $5-16. They come in all sorts of forms. A caramel macchiato with oat milk. A soy vanilla latte. A bagel with cream cheese. You need to buy something small, yummy, and slightly overpriced in order to feel some semblance of productivity for the rest of your day.
The University of Washington is known for many things: groundbreaking research, a beautiful campus, a football team that exists and is pretty good sometimes, a lovable husky mascot, and a second, slightly creepier husky mascot. Not among these features is its spring break scene.
I’m probably not going to get canceled for this because I’m a STEM major, and STEM majors are always right… except during the release of the ugliest vehicle ever (which we can all unanimously agree is the Cybertruck.) Or the whole Neuralink idea. Or when one fumbled Grimes after naming their son after a G1 Transformers sound effect. Or how Twitter’s title was changed to something you’d probably expect on 18+ sites, or one of those discord servers. You know what I’m talking about.
Us Seattleites sure do love our pits. So much so that we formally recognized Pittsburgh, PA as our official sister city on September 10th, 2001. To continue to foster our understanding of our dear sister city, I recently spent a weekend in Pittsburgh.
Last week, an administration change required that all classes at the University of Washington record their lectures through Panopto and post them to Canvas to give students a chance to review classes they were absent for.
In the past week, nearly one hundred students have reported finding strange emails in their personal inboxes sent from addresses within the University of Washington domain. Senders include faculty members from the Paul G. Allen School of Computer Science and Engineering, the Michael G. Foster School of Business, the Phineas Flynn College of Engineering, and other STEM-related departments.
Last week, a ground-breaking research team compared samples of George Washington (G) DNA and the entire University of Washington-Seattle Campus. Verdict says: He is the father!
They broke your heart, and you never want to love again. Or have sex. Isn’t it fair you do the same thing to them? Hall Health certainly thinks so. That’s why they’ve rolled out a Sex-No-More program that will ensure you can rest easy this Valentine’s Day.
The Kansas City Chiefs once again captured the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday night, beating the San Francisco 49ers in a stunning overtime victory. Celebrations were halted, however, when league officials released a statement a few hours later saying their win was to be investigated on account of the entire Chiefs team, including head coach Andy Reid, using performance enhancing drugs.
On January 7th, the UW community received a hilarious email detailing a new anti-hazing program for all three campuses. What many thought to be a joke turned out to be a serious attempt at eliminating hazing from the university. Students were told to complete a course, titled, “Hazing Prevention 101 – College Edition,” which up to this point only 0.12% of the student body has completed.
Buckingham Palace put out a statement Monday, February 5th, detailing that current British monarch, King Charles, has been diagnosed with cancer. But it’s super unrelated to the big butt problem he had a few weeks ago where his prostate, which is located in the butt, got really big. Don’t worry.
Great news is here for all former 8 year old girls. With the completion of the IMA Pool, the UW Rec Clubs program will be offering a new water sport as of Spring 2024: mermaids.
On Monday, the Safeway located at the intersection of Brooklyn Ave and NE 50th Street announced that they would be enforcing a dress code for all customers, effective immediately. Officials at the store stated that the dress code will be strictly enforced and that any customer who did not adhere to the code would not be allowed to shop at the establishment.
Earlier this week, Off Leash news got a chance to speak with Darron Barenett, a concerned student hoping to publicize a struggle he’s facing at the University of Washington. Darron is a music major set to graduate at the end of this year, but he expresses worries that the university has not fulfilled a key aspect of his education: a proper examination of ska music and its history.
Look! There’s that cute person in your quiz section you noticed the first day of class. You’ve caught their eye a few times and maybe they smiled. One day they ask you how you are, your name, or how you felt about the homework. Before you know it you’re making regular small talk. Everything is going perfectly.
A freak accident involving Dubs II left five people injured and two dead on Wednesday morning. The incident occurred during a photo collab between the UW’s mascot and Starbucks Coffee near Drumheller Fountain. Dubs had been licking a double shot of espresso out of an eco-friendly container when a group of students rushed forward to try and pet him, causing him to lash out. All three victims were rushed to the hospital, and two have since died from their injuries.
A silent wave of bigotry has been spreading like wildfire amongst students at the University of Washington, and no one is talking about it. Roommates of all shapes and sizes whisper evil words to one another, and have banded together against a group of people- my people, the hairy ones.
In a shocking press conference Wednesday night, Ana Mari Cauce revealed a mysterious illness has been sweeping through campus following the devastating loss in the National Championship game on Monday. While some students reported symptoms the morning of the 8th, there was a clear spike in cases the morning of the 9th.
After coming up short in the National Championship game to Michigan, many students have been wondering if they should kill themselves. Michael Penix might. Following the game last night, Michael Penix posted on Twitter that “the league was not gonna come knocking” and that he needed to “get his shit together.” As a thank you for the incredible season he gave us, I reached out to Penix via direct message and offered to tutor him for the remainder of his 6th year in college. After spending the past week with him, here’s what I learned.
It’s Christmas time, and you know what that means! It’s also Hanukkah, and you already forgot about it. Hey, I forgot too, why do you think this article is a day late? I get it, it’s easy to get wrapped up in all of the excitement of the holiday season, and forget Christmas’s indie little brother. Even if you forgot to wish your Jewish friends a happy first night, that's ok! There’s still seven left and we’re happy to be validated alongside your clearly more mainstream holiday.
I’d like to extend my official congratulations to the Husky football team for beating Oregon not just once, but twice this year. And for winning the championship or whatever. Better to lose to an SEC school where the players will have to face hordes of gun owners if they lose. This win is monumental for the history of the program, marking our first ever 13-0 season, but also for the community as UTI medication flies off those pharmacy shelves to aid those who jumped into Drumheller.
UW’s Dean of Undergraduate Academic Affairs, Edward Taylor, announced last Tuesday that there would be changes coming to the general education requirements needed to graduate. Taylor specified that the English Composition, Writing, Reasoning, and Foreign Language (Polish and Cantanese will be the only languages offered for the foreseeable future) requirements will remain as is. The Diversity requirement however will be replaced with a new Accelerated Reading category.
This past September 11th, the IMA opened three new universal locker rooms attached to a 14-lane swimming pool. Huskies of all shapes and sizes were excited to finally use the new facilities after the long construction process, with the exception of one man, Hubert Spice. Normally a locker room enthusiast, Spice was furious with the new changing rules in the locker rooms.
As Thanksgiving looms closer and closer, so do the death dates of turkeys across the United States. Yet, every year one of the fortunate fowl is spared the grisly fate of its body being desecrated by a high school “Turkey Bowl game through the form of a presidential pardon.
In a statement released earlier today, the dean of the College of Arts & Sciences, Dianne Harris, announced a plan to restructure the philosophy program here at UW and add new requirements for graduation. The statement gives details about the new academic layout of the major and notes the addition of two 200-level classes to be offered in the spring, but one of the most notable entries is the addition of a required Greek-style oiled wrestling program.
Greek life has been a longstanding pillar of UW’s campus experience: they provide a sense of community for students who have generational wealth and unlimited Zyn budgets, and they separate the cool kids from the geeds. Yet in recent years, Greek life all over the country has come under fire for abusive hazing rituals like consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol and even bodily harm. And now the beast of hazing is, once again, rearing its ugly head on the UW campus.
Were you a shut-in loser freshman year? Did you somehow manage to not click with a single member of your highly personal FIG? Just an absolute fucking dweebus in general? Well, we have exciting news for you!
The department of comparative religion announced last Wednesday that it would be introducing a new major: Protestant fear. This is an exciting development and already causing a buzz on campus as huskies everywhere ask “what the fuck is comparative religion?”
Last Tuesday, Off Leash News received a surprising email: one from the Red Square itself. For the first time, this floor structure has revealed the epic highs and lows of long-lasting architecture and sentience. The structure reportedly broke its silence after one too many UW Students questioned its shape and Cold-War Era styled buildings.
October 31st has historically been the date of Halloween, a holiday marked by wearing costumes to school and going door to door with your friends asking for candy. For college students, it means getting as drunk as you possibly can on a Tuesday and throwing up into a pumpkin. It can be difficult to find the line between real Halloween and Halloweekend, which is why first-year Brandon Vang ended up being the only one wearing a costume in his October 31st lecture.
In an effort to prevent students from skipping in-person classes, several professors at the University of Washington are creating a more captivating learning environment by employing a novel educational method: “avoidant attached teaching.” This approach, which has become especially popular in the departments of Communication, Psychology, and Computational Finance and Risk Management, involves a constant alternation between letting students believe that their professors truly care about their education, then suddenly acting as if they are no longer interested. To learn more, we talked to Professor Kat Gyrles, the first UW faculty member to begin using this teaching approach in March of 2021.
Saturday, October 20 and Sunday, October 21 marked another year of UW’s annual Family Weekend. Thousands of parents flocked to campus to observe what their children do in their own environment, much like children flock to the monkey exhibit at the zoo to watch them throw feces at each other. Yet instead of throwing shit, these parents watch their children get belligerently drunk at frat BBQs before inevitably leaving a football game halfway through the second quarter.
This past weekend, many students from the University of Oregon traveled up to Seattle only to see their beloved Ducks fall to the Washington Huskies 36-33. The flocks of people dressed in green and dehydrated-piss yellow didn’t know what to do with themselves after the football game. Some started binge drinking at Earls, some drove back to Eugene immediately with tears in their eyes, and a few students ended up doing what most ducks do and headed for the water.
A study by degreechoices.com ranked UW as America’s 26th most dangerous college campus, to the dismay of many UW students. It states there were 80 violent crimes committed on campus between 2019 and 2021, including murder, aggravated assault, and robbery. With students returning to campus for the start of fall quarter, this news hits the heart of the student community.
College is such a defining era of our lives. You learn so much in these four (sometimes more if you have some type of deficiency I suppose) years, it’s quite astounding. While you will no doubt learn content in your classes, learning in these formative years is in no way limited to academia. You will be surrounded by all sorts of different people, likely with much different backgrounds from your own. While much is done to help guide first-generation students and others without sufficient means, there remains one subset of people who are often forgotten about: The Middle Class.
Yesterday, a mass of over a thousand students gathered in Red Square and marched across campus in protest of the University of Washington’s recent decision to open a Spirit Halloween store in the basement of the Art Building. This controversial venture has started production less than a year after the University closed down its very own Parnassus Café, which had been universally loved by students for over 70 years, and, until recently, had also been the oldest standing coffee shop in Seattle.
The news dropped in August that the University of Washington will be joining the Big 10 athletic conference starting in the Fall of 2024. Washington’s move comes two years after USC and UCLA decided to bail on the Pac-12 and join the Big 10. Erin O’Connell, UW’s interim Athletic Director, made it very clear what motivated the move in the first place.
Your eyes flutter open, wandering around the room and landing on the sunbeam warming your deep purple comforter. Sighing, you look at the ceiling. It’s another day of your roommate, who is also your mom, smoking crack and cigarettes while she yells at you. One thing brings you comfort though. Your poster of Pepsi’s CEO, Ramon Laguarta, hanging right above your HFS emergency exit route sign on the door, gives you a feeling of hope.
I owe so many people money. Someday Sallie Mae is gonna kick in those kneecaps and I’ll need to start frying up my own liver as compensation. But for now, I’m not fucking graduating. I’m 26 and I technically don’t need to start scrounging for coin until I graduate. I’m going to be finishing my communications degree until the day I die. But if you don’t have the good sense to just fail public speaking, here are some ideas for how to not be in crippling debt and homeless for the rest of your life.
Dear Shonda Rhimes,
I like many things. I like warm days, chocolate croissants, and when cats know how to open doors. I like laughing, giggling, womanhood, and doing nothing at all. What I don’t like, however, is Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story.
Although it is legally springtime, it is raining. At a time like this, it sure would be nice to whip out an umbrella, but everyone knows how uncool that is. And everyone also knows there is only one thing that can offset that uncoolness: petty theft. But wherever shall you go? The answer lies in the most swagless place in all of the U-District: University Village.
Dear Off Leash,
I know spring is supposed to be a happy time, a reward for dealing with the months of people trying to be funny with seasonal depression jokes, but I’m dealing with a full-blown identity crisis. The start of spring means the approaching end of the school year, and, as a third year, I now realize a cold new reality: I’ll be both a senior and a senior by credits.
A terrible blow has been struck to the Women’s Protection Units (YPJ), the all-female wing of the People’s Protection Units (YPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD)– not to be confused with the Free Women’s Units (YJA), the all-female wing of the People’s Defense Forces (HPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdistan Workers’ Party (PKK)– well, anyway, a terrible blow has been struck.
This week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott sealed up every orifice in his body and died after being told having holes makes him a girl. Colleagues watched him flop on the ground for several minutes, his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, anus, and urethra blocked with concrete sealant before he finally proved his point.
The blossoming of cherry trees, blue skies, and the return of skateboarders to Red Square after their hibernation can mean only one thing: spring is here. But the coming of spring marks not only the end of winter, but the end of a key aspect of many students’ personalities: seasonal depression.
There’s an obvious and hilarious fact that we’ve all been ignoring about spring. Every year, as far back as I can remember, trees bloom around the same time, bringing with them beauty and warmth as well as a living hell for people with mild to severe allergies. As we’re all too aware, humans will go to great lengths to see spring in action, whether it’s a cherry blossom, or another cherry blossom, or even a third cherry blossom.
As a baby, which I am, I have long had considerable interest in the mechanics of “peek-a-boo.” Initially, I thought, “How could this be? The lady is gone, but then she reappears?”
When they bloom, UW’s cherry blossom trees possess an almost unworldly beauty, rivaled only by the likes of Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea. However, like Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea, the cherry blossom trees can be dangerous.
On June 11th, 2022, I graduated from the University of Washington, and from my role as President of Off Leash News. The position was inherited by members of the publication that I knew would love and respect the role and its responsibilities. They were smart, funny, and kind. Things were in safe hands.
House shows have been an integral part of the U District for a long time, I think. Every weekend, multiple venues host small local bands so that UW students can use music as an excuse to get piss drunk enough to not think about the years they’ll need to spend in this godforsaken institution. These gatherings also invite a culture of “fashion” and “rejection of mainstream society,” but individuals who subscribe to these alternative ideals seem to spend most of their time shitting on other people doing the same thing as them. Regardless, the administration has decided it has had enough.
Are you going to a beach this spring break? Somewhere warm? Like San Diego or Cabo? What are you, some kind of bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought. At Off Leash, we aren’t bitches. We smoke cigarettes and eat rocks for breakfast.
Parents are already raising concerns about the amount of gratuitous nudity in the new Frog and Toad series set to premier on Apple TV. A recent statement on Twitter by Nat Faxon, the voice of Frog, asserted that “They’re animals. They’re not supposed to wear clothes.”
As Spring approaches, many students begin to dream of graduating, soaking up some sun, and no longer wanting to eat glass. After all, it is the season of renewal. But fantasies of escaping this well financially, but poor penisly, endowed institution may soon be squashed for the class of Spring 2023.
For years, student protests against UW’s ties with exploitative companies have fallen on deaf ears. Student campaigns failed to stop UW spending millions on prison-made dorm furniture, allying with war profiteer Boeing, and currently, from improving atrocious Local Point working conditions.
A recent stabbing in the U-District is proving difficult to solve as police try to track down the suspect. The stabbing occurred late last Thursday night on some irrelevant numbered street, where the victim was hit right below the ribs and is now recovering poorly in the hospital.
University of Washington's Husky Film Club is facing backlash after it was revealed that they were forcing prospective members to choose between a purple pill and a gold pill.
Ah, winter. The season where everything dies, Twitter is filled with complaints of seasonal depression, and your classmate reminds you they’re from a colder climate. We here at Off Leash see you, out of state students from frozen wastelands, and we want you to know you’re heard. So you can stop telling everyone that winters are worse in the hell you originated in.
UW students organized outside of admin buildings this past weekend to protest the school’s purported failure to deliver on promises made to them. “The Pagliacci in Local Point is still closed even though they said it’d reopen,” one student claimed. “I joined an LLC and it was exactly the same as every other floor in my dorm building,” said another.
Dear Off Leash, How do I politely show everyone else at this school that I’m smarter than them? I was in the top 20% of my high school graduating class. I got a really good SAT scores. I got off the waitlist really early. I’m obviously the highest IQ big brain in this school of godforsaken Neanderthals, but it seems like no one notices or appreciates my genius.
In lieu of this year’s somewhat successful football season, Coach Füt Bahl has decided to implement changes beyond drafting new, impressionable high schoolers. Bahl stated he hopes to win every football next year, before star player James Vagina graduates and starts playing on the big football field in the sky.
In a recent poll of every single student on campus, it was determined students don’t think there’s enough construction. This comes after years of total silence on campus, a dry spell from UW’s usual desired and timely renovations or new builds.
Wednesday afternoon, to the surprise and even horror of many UW students, a child was spotted on campus. The child was part of a field trip from a local middle school, meant to encourage youngsters to attend college, but reactions from the college students may have had the opposite effect.
The University of Washington administration announced this past Tuesday an innovative new plan to drive up student attendance to quiz sections: giving all the TAs a badge and a gun. Even the most scholarly UW students skip out on going to quiz sections because “they’re not real classes” and “usually not even for points.”
Dozens of hip students across campus were appalled to discover the desecrated corpse of Parnassus, killed in cold blood a week ago with a note sadistically pinned to it, suggesting these hepcats visit the District Market. What kind of sick bastard would do such a thing?
In a landmark decision, the ASUW Senate voted to dissolve itself this past Thursday, dealing a massive blow to the UW’s student representation. The vote came in the aftermath of weeks-long gridlock over whether or not to pay librarians more, or instead construct a second Starbucks in the Suzzallo lobby.
Recently, US News released its yearly ranking of global universities, which saw UW rise two places from last year, going from eighth to sixth. It’s a great accomplishment for all of our distinguished professors who work so hard to try and help make the world a better place (that’s why they do it right?)
With the holidays around the corner, UW students are scrambling to find inexpensive, original gifts for their friends and family, but worry not! The writers at Off Leash have your back, and have assembled a list of perfect gifts for everyone you know!
Center Table, the North Campus dining location renowned for its “food,” is unveiling a new, sexier dining option. Soon, that annoying couple who always takes up an entire dorm lounge to cuddle and watch movies on their computer will be able to move date night to one of the finest establishments in the Pacific Northwest, possibly even the North. And you, dear reader, can feel even lonelier while you eat the saddest chicken sammie seen since 1987.
In a controversial move this week, Sound Transit announced that it will continue its policy of not allowing riders to run out onto the light rail tracks real quick. The agency confirmed that the rule does not allow exceptions, even if passengers promise that they are just going to jump down real fast and then go right back up.
As the Thanksgiving season passes yet again, students in committed relationships are distraught about their first Thanksgiving with their partners. Observing this common stress, psychology professor Dr. Ophelia Patel saw an opportunity to team up with sociology professor Dr. Halle O’Weiner to observe the effect this great American tradition has on young love, publishing their studies this Sunday.
Earlier this morning, BIOL 180 professor Dr. Lisa Garland reassured her students via canvas message that her class was not graded competitively. Dr. Garland stated in her email, “The teaching staff and I want to remind everyone that this is a cooperative learning environment and that everyone can do well in this class. It’s just that only the top .05% of the class will get a 4.0 and the rest of you will have to fight for scraps.”
Tim O’Brian, a UW freshman, is starting to worry about his options as he begins to search for a major. Enrolled in HSTAA 150 ½ American History for People who got a 2 on the APUSH Exam, O’Brian has been surprised at the darker parts of US history of which he was previously unaware.
UW recently debuted a new reproductive health vending machine in the basement of Odegaard Undergraduate Library. The machine contains pregnancy tests, generic-brand emergency contraception, ibuprofen, and Benadryl, providing students with accessible sexual healthcare while begging the questions: do I take ibuprofen before or after I finish? And, is the Benadryl for me or the baby?
As UW students pass the halfway mark of their first super dooper schmooper normal quarter, many have made a startling and quite frankly disturbing discovery. Daniel Wright, a junior who has spent his entire time at UW making faces and talking to himself under the cover of an N-95, is just now adjusting to the trials and tribulations of an unmasked existence. He says the most jarring part of this new phase of his education is the sharp decline in the perceived attractiveness of his peers. When asked to elaborate, Wright said, “Everyone’s mouths are just so weird, like the bottom half of everyone’s face is way bigger than I was expecting it to be. Everyone’s just butt ugly.” Daniel Wright is now left hopelessly adrift, with no soft warm fantasy to guide him through the brutish hell of earning a marketing degree.
After the Seattle Redistricting Commission’s controversial plan to split the U-District from UW was rejected, the commission responded in a last ditch effort to regain the support of citizens.
When initially proposed, the commission had received numerous complaints about the plan and had been accused of gerrymandering. The commission has since backpedaled and announced that they “aim to manipulate the districts in the most inclusive way possible.” The official statement was issued this weekend, via an email titled “Gerrymander!? I hardly know her”
It’s true: UW is indeed unveiling two new majors. After reports students were fatigued and struggling with “analyzing texts” or “doing basic fucking math,” administration decided to take action. Designed for students with rich parents and a job lined up after graduation, the Numbers and Alphabet majors will be available in the College of Arts & Sciences beginning Autumn 2023.
This past weekend, the UW community was shaken after a recent crime on the Ave: Josh Kline, a student at UW, was caught shoplifting at Target. This disgusting crime caught the attention of the larger community and several local papers, being the only instance of nonviolent crime in the U-District in the past year.
This past Tuesday, a graduate student working in the early hours of the morning discovered an old, boarded-off storage closet deep within the eldritch location known to us mortals as Padelford Hall.
The University of Washington Administration is facing backlash after they announced they would be burning all the books on the school campus in suspected retaliation for the librarian strike.
New data from the University of Washington this week suggests that the smoke currently enveloping Seattle is actually not related to the climate crisis at all. Instead, the data suggests, the decrease in air quality is because Roy Mullivan decided to quit smoking.
Everyone has been there. It’s the first day of class, and you’re tasked with doing ice breakers with the people sitting near you. You go through your names, pronouns, and majors before the fatal question is asked: Where are you from?
Leda Health made headlines earlier this year by selling its controversially named “MeToo” sexual assault test kits to sororities. Critics argued that in selling the test kits, which are not admissible in court, the company took advantage of victims. Following the public outrage and threats of legal action, Leda Health knew that it had only one option: to do the exact same thing to a different group of people.
The University of Washington is seriously considering taking down its George Washington statue after a vintage sex tape was leaked starring the former President and his 18 year old Tinder date. The tape shocked the millions who have already seen it and although it is far from the sexiest presidential scandal, this one hits UW closest to home.
The U-District Light Rail Station opened last year, helping improve and expand upon Seattle’s vital public transit system. But the most important feature of the newest light rail station are the ZANY LED WINDOWS that are plastered all over the station for some reason. We decided to compile a list to tell YOU what windows you should be looking at to get the most out of waiting for the next overcrowded train!
Last Thursday, a crowd formed around an animal in the Quad that bore a striking resemblance to the school mascot, Dubs. For a brief moment, students were overjoyed, before realizing that it was actually a different husky entirely.
Housing and Food Services recently announced that their employees will personally be slapping each and every student that resides on-campus or frequents the dining halls. When we approached the president of HFS, Sal Menila, they repeatedly assured us that “[their] employees work tirelessly until every one of those smug bastards got a good slap.”
As students donned their caps and gowns and entered Husky Stadium to finally conclude their academic journey, a certain smell permeated the air. No, not lake water. Confidence.
Several fires have broken out near campus since the start of the Spring quarter. Most were small and unremarkable other than one last week that started on the Ave in the midst of a rainstorm. As an investigative journalist, something about this fire seemed off to me from the get-go.
As everyone is aware by now, the top part of the Broken Obelisk (now identified as the malevolent ghost of a student not admitted into their major) has been floating above Red Square for about a week now. It has begun screaming as of Tuesday morning.
After frustration and capacity concerns with on-campus housing, HFS has developed an innovative solution to accommodating students: live in someone’s aunt’s house. This approach was created after an HFS staff member overstayed his welcome on a Hinge date and thought it wasn’t half bad.
This past Monday, a draft opinion was leaked from the Supreme Court that proposed to overturn Roe v. Wade, and with it abortion rights. Justices were furious at the leak, and could not understand why this action was taken.
“My body of work, my choice,” said Justice Amy Coney Barrett. “I should be allowed to decide whether I want to allow my document, which by the way is nowhere close to fully developed, into this world.”
Elon Musk just doesn’t know when to stop. Fresh off his decision to buy Twitter, which was made after he overheard a Tesla employee asking: “Geez, how could twitter get any worse?” Musk has decided to buy the Twitter of automobiles: Uber.
“Please, for the love of god save me,” screamed political science major Connor Hoffman before having his entrails slurped by the Lovecraftian prophesied “Cthulhu” this past week. For those out of the loop, this month, students across campus have held protests, pleading with UW administration to remove the ancient being. Ana Marie Cauce issued this statement amid the growing concern from the student body:
This past Wednesday, the University of Washington announced that it would be accepting Box Tops in place of tuition for the upcoming school year. Off Leash reached out to a school representative to inquire why the university made such a bold decision. “The pandemic has put a financial burden on all of us, including the University of Washington,” stated UW’s representative Genny Mills, “We have decided to invoke the Box Top program to help make ends meet around here.”
As part of an advertising campaign for Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, J.K. Rowling has teamed up with UW to rename Suzzallo Library to the “Official Harry Potter Library™: presented by J.K. Rowling.” The renaming will coincide with a series of changes to theme the library like the wizarding world of Harry Potter! The Starbucks will now serve Butterbeer lattes, the reading section will add floating candle features, and trans people are no longer allowed in the building.
In a fervent fever dream we here at Off Leash cannot seem to stop, we have been acquired by Q Zert Apple Zerstock Templeton the 3rd, self-proclaimed entrepreneur / guy on campus saying “the Civil War was about states’ rights”. Q Zert - after buying the deeds to each of our writers’ parents’ houses, our club president's vocal cords (which he plans to keep in a seashell until further notice), and the legal right to name my first born son - is now the largest shareholder in our paper's history.
Big news for the animal labor movement recently came to UW’s campus—the Drumheller geese succeeded in their push for unionization, securing campus-wide shitting rights and $15/hr. Unfazed by questions such as “do they even do work?” and “what the actual f#@k is going on?” the victorious geese held a press conference this Thursday…
On Thursday morning, UW Housing and Food Services announced its intention to introduce a new competitive system for providing utilities to on-campus housing. The proposed utility system was developed to address students’ environmental concerns on campus. Students who decide to live with HFS will be required to apply to the capacity constrained utility program.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock or in Hansee Hall, the last two weeks have been busy ones on campus with the cherry blossoms in full bloom. If you were able to fight your way through the mob of tourists, people with glazed-over eyes staring blankly ahead and children that are specifically three years old…
The University of Washington has lifted its indoor mask mandate for spring quarter, but for “white guys only.” The university wants to gather data about the spread of Covid without masks, and decided to do so with a smaller group. This is why the majority of people not wearing masks around campus are white guys.
Off Leash News has been a driving force in campus journalism for decades.
As students of the University of Washington it is your duty, nay your honor, to have the privilege of reading our publication.
The UW has told us they are unplugging our computer and since it is our only computer we will be unable to continue making this publication.
We’re at the end of another very successful quarter here at the University of Washington. All of us here at Off Leash News want to thank our most loyal readers and offer some spring break tips before we embark on our adventures.
A report released yesterday by UW Police has announced that an accident at the Odegaard undergraduate gloryhole has injured a student and created a rift in space and time that has replaced what used to be a staple of hookup culture on campus with a cosmic disturbance that may pose a threat to your safety if you get too close.
The odds of you having ever been crazy enough to try the fruits at HFS is not high. But if you have tried the “blackberries” at places like Center Table, you may have noticed that they don’t resemble berries so much as endangered fuzzy caterpillars from the Amazon.
Local middle school bully Ivan Flynn has become the first person in the United States to publicly side with Russia in their invasion of Ukraine: “He wants it, so he’s taking it. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?”
In an effort to aid student health and well-being, the School of Environmental and Forest Sciences announced the first annual “Touching Grass” event in collaboration with the Foster School of Business. Non Refundable tickets are available online for $50 and the event will be held virtually.
We are all tired of this technocratic dictatorship that has loomed over us our entire lives. There’s always an “expert” on TV or on the news telling us what we can and cannot do; what is “legal” and “illegal.” These disgusting little “scientists” have perverted and soiled safe and healthy activities for no good reason other than to control us.
It happens every time. I’m walking to classes, minding my own business when over the horizon I see it. Fully erect, cut at the tip and usually dripping wet from the early morning mist, it is there. The obelisk.
In an attempt to increase her relatability and goodwill with students, President Ana Mari Cauce has announced her decision to permanently change her title from president to principal. She has already started implementing measures to match her new image such as daily morning announcements and wearing super loose skinny jeans.
UW freshman, Noah Johnson, felt deep regret after buying a box of thirty-six condoms at the beginning of the year, thinking he would be having a lot more sex than he currently is. Johnson bought the condoms at the University District Target in late September…
As UW continues the gradual reopening of campus they have sent out various emails to update the student body. One such email came from the office of the registrar, informing students that since class will be in-person for the foreseeable future, they will begin charging full tuition again.
The university’s health center, notorious for great advice like “go ask your other doctor” and “fix your chapped lips by licking them” has come up with yet another sensational idea to combat declining student mental health: group therapy.
Local student Vin Myers has been confirmed as homosexual after hugging his friend for 3.8 seconds, 0.4 seconds past the legal limit for straight men. While Off Leash analysts initially thought Myers could have been operating under special circumstances allowing him to extend the length of the hug (return from military duty, BAC over 0.25), we found no evidence for this. The only conclusion? Vin Myers is a flaming homosexual and wants the world to know it.
The President of the Delta Gamma Kappa Purity Fraternity may have another accomplishment to add to his resume before graduating. Conner Cole, a UW senior, never thought he would be making history this quarter.. However, after testing positive for Covid at the end of Fall quarter, Cole has a chance to set the world COVID infection record with an unprecedented fifth positive test result.
Dear UW Community,
It’s back. Mmm, that sinking feeling in your stomach, not knowing when the next time is that you’re going to leave the house. Yeah, I bet you like it, you’re gonna go back to being a disgusting little gremlin that never exercises and eats like a child of divorce whose parents aren’t around. You told your psychiatrist to lower the dosage on your meds? GO BACK. DOUBLE THEM. God, you'd better, you sickening, sickening person.
While news headlines recently were dominated by word of QAnon crusaders flocking to Dallas, TX to witness the second coming of Our Lord and Savior John F. Kennedy Jr., the University District has been just as shocked by the congregation of the same group to our beloved campus in hopes of another notable presidential return.
Anti-abortion protestors have frequented Red Square in an attempt to persuade pro-choicers with images of the little red goblin shrimp fresh out of your 9 hour old pad. To everyone’s shock and dismay, these efforts have been mostly ineffective.
This past Saturday, all hell broke loose on Greek row sans any reason at all. Street signs were stolen, fire alarms were pulled, scooters were trashed, and pedestrians were hazed in the “highly contentious” background of week 8. When asked about the current state of affairs on Greek row, local frat boy Chad Fratington panicked and hurled his iPhone 12 across the street shouting “AAhh! I dunno! I dunno! I dunno!”
A tantrum broke out at the Burke museum this past week, as local paleontologist Greg Polinsky began destroying dinosaur fossils in a fit of passion. “I DON’T WANNA PLAY WITH DINOSAURS ANYMORE” yelled the 56 year old, smashing a baseball bat into the skull of a Spinosaurus. Fragments of glass and fossilized bone spewed over the floor.
It is accepted among students and faculty that Smith Hall is much like a day-old banana, pretty on the outside, a post-apocalyptic war zone on the inside. The 10:30 Philosophy 101 quiz section is currently being held atop a loose floorboard suspended over a gaping hole in the floor of Smith 217. There is a rabid raccoon-bat infestation on the third floor. Not raccoons and bats, this is a new species entirely. And yes it has rabies.
After six consecutive “extraordinary circumstances” quarters, the Office of the Provost has designated this Fall 2021 quarter as a “regular chill quarter where everything is super normal and fine.” This was announced in an email blast that also mentioned the bomb cyclone warning, a raise in tuition, and the third armed robbery of the week. To get a sense of where the administration was coming from, we sat down with members of the committee behind this decision…
In a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics, student satisfaction soared to 8% after sitting comfortably at 2% since COVID-19 hit campus (Note: 2% margin of error). The University of Washington has returned to in-person classes after a year and a half of online school, and students are happier than ever. Awkwardly avoiding eye contact with strangers on the street has returned, friends that weren’t quite close enough to ignore social distancing guidelines have reunited, and professors’ endlessly recycled jokes have been totally killing it.
Sunday that when the Student goes to the HUB. It keeps the student try to go. This problem is very much there. Because there are student, they and the University are on Sunday when that happened. This is why:
Every time student go to the HUB it try to University too. But why? This is because that when University go, student go too. This is very sad. Faculty at UW try too. But fail. Unfortunately, this is at a heavy price but also when midterm yesterday and the other but behind in the but here’s the thing: mother’s folder in the orientation. But when. When? And why? Help me.
The school of art + art history + design has recently announced that, effective immediately, senior capstones are no longer required for those who intend to graduate with a concentration in photo/media. The email announcing this change went on to say that students may actually be penalized for sending in capstones and that they "might just send you to fishery sciences or something idk."
If you’ve tried to get food on campus you’ve seen it: lines and lines of students. This Fall quarter, campus has seen more lines than a frat house coffee table. The recent increase in student population is not a new phenomenon; between 1854 and 1889, the UW student population increased from 30 students to 300.
If this data is correct, then UW undoubtedly increases its student population by tenfold every 35 years. This means that by 1924, the UW should have had 3,000 students. By 1959, 30,000. This brings us to today, wherein the University of Washington has 2,314,286 students on campus.
Hello Huskies! It’s been quite a while since we’ve been back on campus, and we’re excited to see you all soon! Before you get back to campus, there are a some important changes that have happened in our absence you need to be aware of.
Let’s face it: a beloved mascot dying is nothing to joke about. Dubs was not only a symbol of school pride for many, but a relief from the everyday stresses of undergraduate life.
Like many of you, when Dubs died I was super excited at the possibilities this situation presented. Being in online classes can get so boring and I really don’t want to go to them. So in honor of Dubs I made a list of 10 ways that I have (and you should) use his euthanization as a means to get out of zoom, and be happier because of it.
Several University of Washington Fraternities were thrust into the hot seat this past Monday after reports arose of sulfur-based biochemical warfare agents being released during a hotboxing event. UW Administration was quick to react, stating that there would be measures taken to prevent future injuries.
“We really mean it this time,” said an anonymous faculty member. “If this happens again, we are going to get super mad.” This…
This Valentine’s Day Weekend, UW students came together to demand kinder treatment from their beloved institution. Rather than sending their tuition checks as usual, students will be mailing in homemade coupons for various romantic gifts and activities.
Strike leader Hart Smith (’22) commented that “We all love the University of Washington. But sometimes, we feel like the University of Washington doesn’t love us.” Smith then raised a protest sign that read “We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve,” and marched off to write a coupon for one home-cooked, candlelit dinner.
Of what is sure to be but the first of 2021’s many crises, the attempted coup at the U.S. Capitol Building will inevitably go down as the most appalling. There is no doubt that the events on the sixth of January were the fruit of this nation’s ancient hypocrisy and indecency. However, there is also no doubt that said events paved the way for the most bountiful harvest of all: the realization of the long-germinating Congressional romance the American people have awaited.
In a shocking turn of events this past week, the London street artist Banksy came forward as the man behind nearly every major news story of 2020. In a recent Instagram post, Banksy had this to say for himself:
“I don’t keep my identity secret because I want it to be separate from my art. It is because I wish to cover up my crimes of treason, chemical and biological warfare.”
Banksy began to list out a series of shocking events that he played a part in.
“Iranian general Qasem Soleimani was killed on the orders of me because I ran out of things to make art about. Also I thought…
What if I told you that I could sell you a guide to inner peace for the low, low cost of $5 (plus shipping)? You’d probably laugh and tell me to fuck off, because you’re no fool, and you know a fraud when you see one. But what if I told you that, for only $5 (and a little extra for shipping), you could hold in your hands a physical copy of Off Leash Magazine’s newest issue?
That’s right, baby. Off Leash is back.
And this time, we’re coming at you with our boldest, most creative, most completely bonkers edition yet: The Conspiracy Issue.
The identity of America was forever changed this week when a group of Trump ralliers turned violent mob stormed the capitol building, temporarily halting Congress from ratifying Mr.Biden’s election victory. This event was the culmination of a major rift that has been growing over the last 4 years throughout the nation’s largest demographic, Dumbfuck Assholes. It is no longer possible to ignore the new and dangerous subcategory within the demographic, who are officially known as Dumbfuck Political Assholes. Over the last 24 hours, the nation’s most prestigious Dumbfuck Assholes have spoken out, largely condemning the actions of this rogue political subgroup.
Lauretta Westly is known as the first internet creator to pour gallon containers of milk on herself at various grocery…
Are you a diehard husky fan who is still waiting to hear from the waitlist? Have you already been rejected from the rowing team and talked to your dad’s old frat brother who is on the admissions board? Well, you heard it from us first: 2020 might just be your year after all. Yesterday, President Ana Mari Cauce officially announced UW’s newest partnership—the UWPD Advanced Standing Selective Workforce Assignment Degree, commonly known as ASSWAD. This 21 day boot camp will give you and the other cadets everything you need to be a UWPD officer. Soon you’ll be on your way to making sure our community stays exactly how it is. Already gaining immense popularity, ASSWAD has received 650 applications following its feature on the UW Interfraternity Council’s Instagram story last night.
Defying the recent mask mandate, a man lacking any face covering whatsoever was sighted in the University District yesterday afternoon, where he was last seen entering a Bank of America. Police currently have one suspect in custody and are interviewing witnesses to determine the series of events leading up to the crime.
“He walked up to me and put a gun straight to my head,” said eyewitness Taylor Tyau. “I was terrified. I mean, there’s no way his arm length was over six feet. He was clearly invading my personal space and breaking social distancing guidelines.” She paused briefly to blow her nose, depositing the tissue into what appeared to be a personal incinerator installed in her purse. “Plus, there’s the contact factor. I mean seriously? Touching my face with his gun? Studies show that coronavirus can live on cold hard American steel for over 48 hours. Now I have to get tested for the fourth time today. Just shooting me would’ve been easier.”
This Monday, UW Housing and Food Services announced that all incoming dorm residents will undergo mandatory tests of their breath-holding ability before moving into their rooms. Meant to determine whether a given student can successfully hold their breath for the length of a 6-minute elevator ride, these tests will be administered by trained medical professionals at pop-up locations around campus.
“We want to be sure that our residents are able to keep their pesky, possibly-disease-ridden breath to themselves for a solid amount of time,” said HFS officials in their prepared statement. “Many of these kids will be using the elevators (which, if you haven’t noticed, are confined spaces with very little air flow) multiple times per day. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that they learn to keep those stanky fumes locked in tight where they belong.”
Dear Students,
It has been a while since many of you have set foot on campus, but rest assured, we are working hard to make your re-introduction to the university community as seamless as possible. That being said, we are also rather “excited” (in a tough-love sort of way) to announce a new set of graduation requirements. These requirements, which shall train you for the SHITE you may encounter on a daily basis, are designed to “build character,” “put you through the ringer,” and “inflict pain in new and unpredictable ways.” We understand that this may come as a shock to many, but please keep in mind that we only want what’s best for you.
Tuesday this week, UWPD issued a statement requesting that 911 be used for emergency purposes only, after receiving a sudden influx of calls reporting ‘pigs’ occupying the police station.
“We are well aware of the strained relations between the public and the police at the moment,” said Chief of Police Abraham Miller. “UWPD is committed to serving our community and we support those speaking out against social injustice. However, we ask that callers voice their concerns through the non-emergency response number, or by contacting their local representatives. The 911 response line is for emergency calls only, and jokes about—” Miller was unable to finish his comment, however, as he was suddenly speared in the chest by a wild boar, which had apparently been hiding under his desk for the last several hours.
His brow sweating with the persistence of a leaking deep fryer, Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan T. Cathy stood before a group of his fast food empire’s top executives. Gripping the board room table, knuckles whiter than the meat served to customers, his face contorted into the ecstasy of a youth pastor finally losing his virginity. “WE FUCKING DID IT,” he cried. Ripping off his button-down to reveal a Black Lives Matter t-shirt, Cathy and the entire board room began dancing with the skills of decapitated poultry to ear-splitting Christian rock music.
Chick-Fil-A has been a company long acquainted with controversy involving the LGBTQ community. However, the…
On Wednesday morning, security personnel at the Burke Museum were surprised to find the animated bones of a Columbian mammoth wandering the grounds of the University of Washington. The mammoth, who escaped his exhibit at the museum and introduced himself to campus police officers with a sequence of haunted, elephantine trumpetings, was escorted to City Hall for a press conference.
"It's a novel situation," commented the museum's chief paleontologist Balbus Diggs, who suggested the statewide COVID quarantine's reduction in carbon emissions may have contributed to the resurrection. "We're seeing it all over the world: birds returning to cities, coyotes pissing on fire hydrants. It's really beautiful." When asked whether an interview with the mammoth’s remains might help to shed light on missing links in the evolutionary record, Diggs’s eyes rolled back in his head and he whispered, “Evolution is a hoax,” citing the book of Genesis as evidence while scuttling backward from the room.
Lockdown orders are lifting around the country, yet many are apprehensive. There are concerns that prematurely unleashing the nose-pickers and palm-lickers of the world will trigger a devastating second wave of political pundit debates. Fortunately, Peter Kelling and Emanuel Franco, the dreamboat computer science duo at the University of Washington, have found a way to end social distancing forever.
“The solution is simple,” explained Franco, “Why spend all of your time inside, worrying about sickness, when you could live your life as a robot? By transferring your conscious self into a state-of-the-art mechanical vessel, you can escape the pandemic and the struggle of social distancing at the same time!”
But to these studly programmers, mechanization is more than just an idea, it is a way of life. With display monitors mounted on wide chrome bodies and claw-like hands that look like they were designed to ruin your arcade birthday party by intentionally dropping that shiny new ipod, the new and improved Kelling and Franco answer the question of what Pixar’s Wall-E would look like if he were designed by Apple Inc.
With the current lockdown restrictions in Washington state, many businesses have been struggling to continue operations while following proper social distancing procedures. However, the new Seattle-based social media startup, Quaran-time, has the solution: simply hire someone else to stay inside for you!
In a time when college students are so confused and saddened that they can barely summon up the strength to make memes (yeah, things are pretty bad), comedy is more necessary than ever. Fortunately, we have it on good authority that there will soon be a digital release of a COMPLETELY FREE and VERY HIGH-QUALITY quarantine-themed satire magazine. It seems…
This week, Off Leash News sent a reporter to speak with undergraduate advisor Zachary Morrison about the importance of community building for new students. Contorting his face into a pained smile, Morrison explained the importance of joining a FIG. “I would say that all freshman should join a FIG in their first quarter. It helps you meet so many new people, and it’s a great opportunity to make this university feel just a bit smaller.” His smile immediately began to fade, the façade of plastered glee peeling off. This was the first glimpse of the broken man hiding underneath khaki shorts and a ‘Go Dawgs!’ sweatshirt.
Though there is no longer a need to cut down firewood to make it through the long northwest nights, the axe is still a staple across Puget Sound households. Fondly remembered by local lumberjacks and murderers alike, the axe is for many the weapon of choice for forestry, self-protection, and collection in and of itself. In a shockingly bold move, Seattle lawmakers voted Sunday to reinforce and strengthen the laws concerning the registration and regulation of axes.
This week, UW Professor Robert Grace was removed from his lecturing position after accidentally showing pornography. He was apparently viewing the material before class and failed to close his tabs as the lecture began. The pornography was displayed as the professor tried to open a separate video on racial discrimination in the US prison system. We interviewed several students to get their thoughts on the matter.
The recent announcement that the humanities division will be laying off many major-specific advisers comes as a terrible blow to humanities students with daddy, mommy, and other assorted issues. Students and faculty members alike struggle to comprehend why the university would choose to cut advisers in a department that is widely known to be full of emotionally dependant and needy young “adults.”
Happy Week 6, dawgs!
We are officially halfway through fall quarter, so set your 5:55 AM alarms, and get ready to fight to the death to register for the classes you want. As your go-to source for campus tips and tricks, we wanted to highlight a new UW course that might be of interest to you.
Buckle up folks, because the College of Arts and Sciences finally got enough funding to introduce a course you might like: COM 263, Introduction to Cancel Culture.
New revelations surrounding the University of Washington’s animal testing have revealed groundbreaking justifications surrounding its animal testing trials. The study found that despite violating basic ethics by testing and torturing animals, the UW’s monkeys were some really bad monkeys.
In the wake of the news that the small but mighty Sanskrit department at UW is facing termination, UW administration has decided to slash all foreign language offerings except for Java. Currently, the university offers 45 different foreign languages, from popular choices like French and Spanish to the eccentric Uyghur and Latvian, but following this change, it would offer only one.
Here it is: the long-awaited, much-anticipated Off Leash who’s-who endorsement list for these upcoming ASUW elections (that take place from the 9th through 12th of this month). We weren’t planning on voting either, but after extensive research we have decided to compile this list of the most apt and capable candidates to represent students just like you. For any first-time-voters, head over to http://vote.asuw.org and cast your vote.
Off Leash News was given the amazing opportunity to sit down with Dodge Sullivan, the president of the UW College Republicans, to discuss the inspiration behind the launch of their brand new campaign “Caucasian Liberation.” The campaign is centered around the reclamation of the W-word.
If you’ve strolled through the quad or walked by the North Campus dorms this quarter, you may have noticed the many construction workers that are helping to make our university more structurally sound. And yeah, let’s face it: they’re fine as hell. Who could possibly ignore their big, work-roughened hands, or the way that those sexy neon vests hug their curves?
In an attempt to promote self-care, the University of Washington administration announced last Tuesday that it will be introducing the newest addition to the UW Health and Wellness team: Kyle the Quad Baby, endearingly referred to as the “Quaby.” Yup, you heard it right here folks, some universities have dog petting to help their students relieve stress, but as stated by Tonya Carson, a therapist with the UW Counseling Center, “that’s some little league shit.”
Friends, professors, and ex-girlfriends were surprised by the results of a recent study on student Doug Thompson, but his mother was not.
Last week, UW researchers released data that corroborated Mrs. Thompson’s long-held belief that Doug is “very special” (Wang, et al. xxi). The data shows that Doug “can do anything he sets his mind to” and that over the years, “Doug has really grown into a very handsome young man” (Wang, et al. 13).
“I’m not surprised by the results of the study at all,” Doug’s mom said. “I’ve always said that he’s very talented and has a lot of potential.”
Housing and Food Services employees across campus have been reporting an increase in the number of people asking them non food-related questions.
Patrick Howell, student food worker at DUB Street Burgers, located in the HUB, says it’s becoming increasingly more common for visiting parents on campus tours to ask for tips on their child’s admissions process.
“Oh yeah, parents come in all the time looking for advice. I try telling them, ‘you know, I just sell the chicken strips,’ but that really never works,” Patrick explained during his 5-minute break. He added, “Eventually, I just had to make up my own spiel. I’ll say things like, ‘look it's all about a holistic application.’ I’ve even made my own business card”.
Amidst a night of mindless headbanging along to shitty live music, smoking on various deteriorating stairwells, and chillin’ by the keg, sources confirmed late Friday that “yes, in fact, that singer in that band at the house show is also in your quiz section.”
Claims that the singer gracing the dirt-covered, makeshift stage of a local U-District backyard was in fact Jack from your Chem 152 quiz section were originally met with skepticism, and later quite a bit of doubt after everything went blurry in the immediate moments following a fat moke. Upon further squinting, however, it was reported that it indeed had to be him.
Wallingford, Seattle, known for its pricey single family homes and Oprah’s favorite fried chicken establishment, has been added to the CHID study abroad catalogue. Tired of Rome and Sydney, students are ready to explore countries untouched by European influence and give their feet a break from cigarette-littered cobblestones. In addition, transportation to this North Seattle destination will be free with U PASS, making the program significantly cheaper than traveling to Europe, Asia, or South America.
Bill Gates’ title as the richest PNW resident was challenged late Thursday night as Keaton Grasswood, a junior at the University of Washington, raked in another $4 deposit to his Venmo account. Grasswood, who has spent his fall and winter quarters flipping Dawg Pack student section tickets, has captured stunning returns of $57 for the season.
Due to continual budget delays and design disputes, the University of Washington’s Population Health Building, which is currently under construction, is not scheduled to be complete before every human life is extinguished from the earth.
The Population Health Building was once envisioned as a center where community members could access healthcare in the very same facility where world-renowned University of Washington faculty would conduct research into the medical innovations of tomorrow.
Students who were left frustrated after learning about the allotment of university money to athletics, computer science, the remodeling of Ana Mari Cauce’s rustic (yet contemporary) ski villa, continued to be devastated when they learned what else their money was being spent on.
“After that whole you-guys-should-pay-for-your-TA’s-physical-and-mental-wellbeings thing blew over we figured that the funds we saved there were best spent on our students,” UW President Ana Mari Cauce said. “So far, we have been hard at work finding just the right way to show our students that we care, and by students, I mean business students.”
Since he was a child, junior Justin Schwartz dreamed of becoming an artist. When he arrived at the University of Washington, he had no doubt that he wanted to study painting and drawing, but this hope was derailed when he received a 0.8 in Art 190.
“It’s crazy because it’s very common to draw nude models in art class,” Schwartz said, “but apparently it was somehow wrong that I chose to use my own manhood as a model for every assignment.”
Due to college students increasingly dropping out to join the industry, Foster School of Business has finally decided to update their course catalogue and offer for the first time a Multi-Level Marketing class this upcoming Winter.
Tucker, a Foster student interested in pursuing alternative business lamented his frustrations with the current lack of multi-level marketing curriculum.
“Well, I just think it’s kinda bullshit, because my parents are paying all this money for me to go to college and I wanna learn something actually worth learning, you know.” After taking a long rip of his Suorin, Tucker continued: “Like my brother, Hunter, he’s killing it. He sells this shit called Herbalife. Dropped out of college AND making six figures. And by that I mean he WILL BE after he gets seven more people to join. God, what a fucking man. Oh, by the way have you heard of Herbalife before? Because it’s actually pretty dope and my brother told me to tell people about it.”
News broke this September that the Class of 2022 is the largest ever to enter the UW, prompting criticism from returning students who feared it would become even more difficult to get into competitive majors.
In response to student concerns, President Ana Marie Cauce held a press conference in which she outlined her proposed solution for improving the capacity-constrained major system.
“I fully understand why students feel frustrated and it’s clear that going forward, we need to decrease the size of our student body,” Cauce said. “That’s why I plan to work with the Board of Regents and ASUW to instigate an annual Husky Purge.”
Drawing inspiration by the 2013 movie The Purge and its sequels, the plan calls for one night a year where both laws and university policy would go unenforced on campus.
Earlier today, members of the campus RSO HBDSMS (Husky Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism Society), attended a hearing during which they petitioned for President Ana Marie Cauce to consider changing the university’s widespread “Be Boundless” branding.
“It’s blatantly insensitive,” a student in HBDSMS told Off Leash. “Be boundless? No way! We really enjoy being bound actually. It’s super hot.”
Summer may be over but fall is just beginning here in Seattle! Feeling down and unsure of what to do to avoid your real responsibilities this quarter? Desperately need something to pregame so that you’re not just getting drunk at 9 am, alone, in the rain? We’ve compiled all the hot and bumpin’ Facebook events your friends, classmates, and aunt will invite you to this quarter, so you can be in the know ahead of time. Everyone is “interested” in going, so you know they’re bound to be a good time. See you there Huskies!
Tears were shed Tuesday at 9:23 a.m. when Toby Carter, a UW freshman (and Foster School of Business Direct-admit) shared a sentimental moment with his parents, prominent residents of the Bay Area. The homesick student had been feeling “pretty shitty” ever since returning from Cabo last month, and decided to seek out his parents for help. Onlookers gaped as Carter approached the wall in the Paccar lobby bearing his parents’ names and gently stroked the wall. One source reports seeing a tear run down Carter’s cheek, suggesting that he may have been crying softly behind his sunglasses.
Education officials in Washington state recently announced the induction of a new high school alternative, Sprinting Start, a program that sets up UW undergraduate students to earn their Bachelor’s, Master’s, and PhD degrees in three years or less.
This is due to the credits received multiplying in quantity and specificity, maximizing (boundless) potential for what the Washington Education Department dubs the “big ole’ triple triple”.
The program will follow the course of the Running Start program, in which high school students take classes for college credit during high school. This allows the students, once on campus, to take opportunities such as enrolling in upper-division courses before their class-standing peers, as well as emphasizing that they are “technically a Freshman, but a Junior by standing. Maybe even a Senior by now.”
The UW has moved forward with its indictment process of the director of the UW Department of student affairs. Director Richard Quincy has been formally charged by the department of Human Resources with having repeated sexual intercourse and a long-term personal relationship with an unnamed female student.
If convicted of the names charges, in violation of multiple directives forbidding any forms of faculty-student relationship, Quincy stands to be stripped of any position within the university.
While there are multiple stages left in the proceedings against Quincy, he not only publicly admitted to each charge but is adamant that his behavior reflects his positive contributions to the University and utmost dedication to the position.
In response to student concerns about staggering tuition, rising housing rates, and capacity-constrained majors, the UW Board of Regents has voted to implement a cost-saving initiative for the 2018-2019 school year that will replace the single-ply toilet paper with half-ply rolls in every building on campus.
“We care deeply about affordability and opportunity for our students,” said Anna Durkan, regent in charge of bathroom-affairs. “In order to cut costs, we’ve done an extensive analysis of how we spend our money and worked to eliminate waste. When we realized how much of the budget was going to fund single-ply toilet paper, we realized we had to make a change.”
In the aftermath of the vote, reactions from students were largely positive.
Washington was not left untouched by the recent findings of an FBI probe into dealings within NCAA basketball recruitment. The released report included findings that former UW star and No. 1 pick in the past spring’s NBA Draft Markelle Fultz received $10,000 from the sports agency ASM and also implicated former Husky Dejounte Murray, but Off Leash has also been alerted that Dubs, the UW’s mascot, was in on the money train.
ASM reportedly gave the beloved Alaskan Malamute $3,000 worth of dog treats and luxury collars back in January 2009, right before Dubs’ decided to come to Washington. Former NBA agent Andy Miller also made substantial payments — upwards of $7,000 — to Dubs’ owners for the husky to sign with ASM.
Washington officials initially denied all knowledge of the transactions, which were made when Scott Woodward, the current athletic director at Texas A&M, was the AD on Montlake.
After narrowly submitting his latest 15 page midterm essay two minutes before the 11:59 pm deadline, third year political science student and general dumbass Michael Wong swore he would never procrastinate another assignment again.