Out And Proud: Local Student Gay, According To Us

Local student Vin Myers has been confirmed as homosexual after hugging his friend for 3.8 seconds, 0.4 seconds past the legal limit for straight men. While Off Leash analysts initially thought Myers could have been operating under special circumstances allowing him to extend the length of the hug (return from military duty, BAC over 0.25), we found no evidence for this. The only conclusion? Vin Myers is a flaming homosexual and wants the world to know it.

“I’m not gay, I was just glad to see him,” said Myers, looking super gay. “He’s literally been my best friend since we were five. He lives in Illinois now. I missed him.” We then asked Myers whether he wears a condom during sex. “Um, I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but yes I use protection. I always want to wear a condom.” No straight man has ever uttered those words in his life. Myers’s homosexuality was confirmed.

Many have suspected Myers as gay for years and were glad to hear about him coming out, such as Myers’ neighbor Kenneth Dailey. “He came over and sucked my dick once for like eight seconds before we fucked.” This seemed to disprove our gay theory, as sucking dick for 8 seconds is well below the legal limit of 128 seconds for straight men. However, Kenneth also recalled him  “wearing this really nifty scarf at the time.” Bingo. Back on the gay train.

Others were less than pleased at our investigative journalism. Leah Tyau is a local gay rights activist, who felt that we had gone too far. “You can’t assume someone’s sexuality based on their lifestyle. And even if you’re right, you don’t have the right to out them before they’re ready. They should get to make that decision.” On her way out, Tyau kissed another woman who she claimed was her ‘wife’, showing us a ‘legally binding marriage certificate’. We thought it was pretty hot and hope that they both find hard-working husbands soon.

Despite this dissent, we continued our investigation. We found that Myers is known to sit down while peeing, and his 2021 Spotify wrapped showed Lin Manuel Miranda in his top five, both clear signs of his homosexuality. His internet history also revealed searches such as “imgayandwanttohavegaysexwithmenbecauseimgay.com,” evidence with which we were unable to come to any firm conclusions. His time spent on Pinterest, however, sent a clear message: Vin Myers is gay and proud, world. And he’s probably totally cool with us telling you that.