HUB to Take Away More Microwaves from Students

By now, most of the UW student body has heard that the HUB took away the student-use microwave in their food court. This has in turn sparked outrage, ranging from instagram stories to reddit posts, all griping about no longer being able to heat up hot pockets. And yet, the HUB still isn’t done.

“Microwaves pose an incredible harm risk to students, people, and hamsters alike,” said bitch responsible for this development, Schmobert Francis Schmennedy Jr. “All that harmful radiation takes the important nutrients out of the raw milk we are also replacing the Red Bulls with.” 

Schmennedy continued on with his plan, mostly consisting of incoherent rambling about various oils, oiled up nude wrestling, hairy gay men, and natural meats. However, at the end, he dropped a bombshell: the HUB will be entering the homes of all students, staff, and faculty over break in order to remove their personal microwaves.

“No longer will our community be ravaged by instant meals filled with frozen vegetables or meat that comes from cows and not bears,” declared Schmennedy, “I am freeing you all from this bureaucratic tyranny!”

Much like the decision to remove the HUB’s microwave, the removal of personal microwaves has not been popular. Reports of stove top fires have increased, mostly from those who put the styrofoam Cup o’ Noodles directly on the cooktop, and the drinking of seasonal alcoholic beverages has been down.

“I don’t know how to mull wine without a microwave,” said fourth year Al Koholik, “Or hot a toddy. Or egg a nog. But if I just drink beer like normal, it’s not festive! I don’t get into the spirit! I need my holiday spirit now!”

Koholik proceeded to throw a tantrum, up until his roommate cradled him and gently placed a bottle of peppermint Smirnoff in his mouth. He then went to sleep peacefully. But this problem is not one that can be solved with a seasonally available pacifier, it goes deeper.

We need to mobilize. We need to band together. We deserve the right to microwave our hamsters in the HUB cafeteria. Engineers, grab your wrenches. Biologists, grab your microscopes. History majors, log into LinkedIn and focus on finding a job. Architects, grab your protractors. We’ve got a job to do.