Loser Sophomores in Luck: Second Year Interest Groups Coming Soon

Were you a shut-in loser freshman year? Did you somehow manage to not click with a single member of your highly personal FIG? Just an absolute fucking dweebus in general? Well, we have exciting news for you!

Last week, an anonymous pre-ped student logged onto a public computer in Suzzallo when, much to their surprise, the screen defaulted on a 37-page pdf documenting administrator plans to introduce Second-Year Interest groups. The inspiration for this level-up was seemingly the beloved concept of “sig figs,” from our own favorite subject: chemistry. Allegedly, this document showed concern about high rates of “incel culture” and downloads of the app “Reddit” on campus. The proposal had already been approved by Ana Mari Cauce, moving forward in the plan to revitalize campus culture.

The concept is at least the same. Second years may choose between one of the many, now slightly more hyper-specific, groups of clustered level-two courses. There is one major increase in quality though: a brand new, Washington state certified behavior specialist will be assigned to each SIG. Rather than allow the freedom of being guided through the course by a mandatory group meeting like its predecessor, each participant is now provided the opportunity to talk about their feelings.

The new SIG counselor will hold your hand through the trying time of picking your major, with real support. This includes other outlined features, such as calling your peers' parents to set up a playdate, advocating for you to have mid-midterm nap time, and putting fruit gummies where they belong- in the bathroom.This decision has sparked controversy, however, amongst the blue-balled current sophomores. Many have expressed serious concerns, such as “What about me?” and “I’m going to the District Market in Alder.”

One pressing question remains: will UW finally implement JIGs (Junior-Year Interest Groups, for the uninitiated)?

Speculation is difficult. While there exists the possibility of sending another pre-med student to Suzzallo in hopes of discovering another leaked document on the subject, we have unfortunately run out of our supply. In desperation, we reached out to Dianne Harris, Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, for her thoughts on the matter.

“Oh my god, I literally could not care less. How much money do you have? Probably pennies, compared to a guy like me. I’m investing in stock, I’m buying bonds, and I have like 15 separate ROTH IRAs. You think you’re on my level? You’re not even on my radar, buddy,” Harris said.

Looks like we cleared that up! Don’t forget to email Ana Marie Cauce if you’d like more official information. Make us proud!