Should You Pardon Your Turkey or Eat That Motherfucker?

As Thanksgiving looms closer and closer, so do the death dates of turkeys across the United States. Yet, every year one of the fortunate fowl is spared the grisly fate of its body being desecrated by a high school “Turkey Bowl game through the form of a presidential pardon. 

It’s well known by any American that’s taken some rendition of U.S. History that the first ever successful coup (no pun intended) backed by the CIA to prevent the spread of communism in Iraq was orchestrated by one Agent Gob L. Gobel, who just so happened to be the first-ever avian agent to be involved in any Cold War-era government operation. According to a fellow agent at the time, “Those commies’ll be expecting humans. So we thought about it for a while, then suddenly it just clicked: what is a human but a plucked, flightless bird?” He then went on to explain how turkeys were perfect for the job, since everyone thought Americans were fat anyways.

Henceforth, it’s been a federal crime to use “bird-brain” as an insult during the Thanksgiving weekend. Former President Kennedy had also attempted to make consuming turkeys illegal during that same time period, but Congress ruled against it, citing that it was an American, God-given right to fill your greedy maw with bird innards, get high, and argue with your racist grandfather.

Nowadays, making the turkey the star of the dinner table has become a polarizing subject. Though many families prefer to keep the tradition alive by keeping the birds dead, others have gone against it, mainly through proposing non-meat alternatives.

“I think Americans should learn from our leaders and follow in their footsteps this Thanksgiving,” said PETA representative Prima Reb, “killing these innocent birds for the sake of an antiquated holiday is completely ludicrous when tofu slabs do the job perfectly. Besides, turkey tastes like literal shit—wait. I didn’t say that.”

We were unable to extract any further comments from Ms. Reb, as she was escorted by other PETA representatives into a no-kill shelter. Off Leash News hasn’t heard from her since, but we have heard that traditional Thanksgiving celebrators are less keen on plant-based substitutes. 

“I’ve never met a vegetable I liked,” asserts scurvy patient and TikTok star famous for his raw-meat-and-butter diet, “but I’ve made slow, sweet love to every turkey that has graced my dinner table. I’d tell you how I make my stuffing, but that’s a chef’s secret.”

So, will you be pardoning the turkey, damned to an endless cycle of cheating fate every year? Or does the true Thanksgiving spirit grant life to all things living regardless, and nullify any personal responsibility in being held accountable for the death of another, even if it means continuing the turkey’s limbo that its bird-brain cannot comprehend? Don’t let us know; we’re still thinking about it too.