Opinion: I Want a Fucking Trick This Halloween
Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has been since I was a wee lad, dressing up as Obi-Wan Kenobi or a zombie that one time. I was never into candy that much, but I was obsessed with the pageantry of Halloween. I’ve never been so into fashion than when I’m picking out my costume. That zombie costume I mentioned was actually really cool; we burned the edges of my t-shirt, spread charcoal stains on my jacket, and bloodied my face with some blood we found in our backyard. One year I was a hobo, which you can’t do anymore because of the woke left, but I embodied what it meant to be a homeless man as a 10-year old because we were living in a simpler time. I’m not even gonna talk about the time I was a princess.
The joy I felt walking around my neighborhood with my friends was unmatched by any other holiday activity. We were on a mission. Any house that left out a bowl with the infamous “Take One” sign was plundered of all of their candy in a flash. The year I was the hobo I ended up tripping over my candy-filled pillowcase after my friends and I raided a house that we thought was empty. We had to scamper away when a light turned on inside, which is why I went toppling over. After inevitably failing to go to every house in the neighborhood as we had vowed to do year after year, we would come home with tired legs and trade candy, late into the night. One time a guy dressed up as the Jack in the Box mascot scared the living shit out of all of us when he came up to my living room window and stood there motionless, his smile unwavering. Our love of trick-or-treating was so deep that we didn’t stop until the people of my neighborhood started questioning our age (8th grade, you asshole).
There is one Halloween tradition that I’ve never experienced, despite never missing one year of celebration. Even the most recent years of slutty outfits and drunken expeditions in college have never gotten me there. It is, of course, the trick.
The trick is essential to the spirit of Halloween and yet it is too often overlooked. The line that is spoken everywhere on Halloween to announce the intentions of the speaker is of course, “trick or treat.” Trick comes first for a reason. Without it Halloween would be no different than any other holiday where treats are heartily consumed. According to season 5, episode 13 of “Drunk History,” Halloween used to be nothing but tricks, as adolescents would ravage their towns at night for no reason other than it being fun. The importance of both the trick and the treat to Halloween is that they bring balance to the holiday. Like the force, too much of either side can be detrimental to not only the people celebrating but also to the place they inhabit.
The trick eludes me because I don’t exactly know what it is. Maybe I saw the trick that one time a grown man jumped out at me from his bushes when I was 5. Maybe the trick was almost getting into a brawl because my friend and I tried to sneak into a frat party through a hole in the fence (I got in, he didn’t). Maybe the trick is not getting laid on Halloween, not once, despite really wanting to every year since I was like 12. Whatever it is I know I still haven’t gotten there, but I will not stop trying.
If you see someone walking around this Halloween in an Indiana Jones costume, hat and all, that is me. Show me the trick, please, show it to me. I long for the trick in all its glory. I need not a treat to make my Halloween special, it will be special either way, but a trick. A trick will bring me to the pinnacle of the Halloween mountain. Please help me achieve the triple crown, the most glorious of holiday achievements. Show me the trick.