Breaking: Nonviolent Crime on the Ave

This past weekend, the UW community was shaken after a recent crime on the Ave: Josh Kline, a student at UW, was caught shoplifting at Target. This disgusting crime caught the attention of the larger community and several local papers, being the only instance of nonviolent crime in the U-District in the past year.

“I was so shocked, I just… I just stood there not knowing what to do,” said an anonymous UW student who had witnessed the crime between sobs. “What do you even do in that situation? Am I still supposed to pepper spray them?”

While attempting to get away with the contraband, a Modelo tallboy and a pack of gum, Kline was confronted by a member of the Target security team. The security member confiscated the items and de-escalated the situation. Target representatives have confirmed that, after much consideration, the company will not be pressing charges.

When reached for comment, a UWPD representative said, “We are shocked and saddened to learn the terrible depths of what our community has become.” When asked what was so wrong with a single student shoplifting, the officer clarified that they meant the law enforcement community. “Apparently that security guard doesn’t even carry a gun, like what? We would like to make perfectly clear that his actions do not represent the UWPD in any way, shape, or form,” he said. “In response to this incident, effective immediately, we will begin sending armed students to patrol the Ave and re-escalate any criminal situations they observe.”