Elon Musk Buys Uber, Will Relax Drunk Driving Policy

Elon Musk just doesn’t know when to stop. Fresh off his decision to buy Twitter, which was made after he overheard a Tesla employee asking: “Geez, how could twitter get any worse?” Musk has decided to buy the Twitter of automobiles: Uber.

The deal, which had secretly been in negotiations for months, is reportedly valued at $20 billion and 420 bags of Doritos. Some sources have claimed 430 bags of Doritos, yet we have reason to believe that is untrue. According to several experts Mr. Musk does not find that number funny, and hence is unlikely to demand that many. The experts all agree that the Doritos were likely included because money no longer fucking means anything to Mr. Musk, the world’s richest man.

Mr. Musk, the richest man in the world, has big plans for Uber. According to the Musk experts and soothsayers who reviewed several of his tweets, he’s very concerned about Uber drivers’ lack of freedom, specifically their strict no-alcohol policy. Musk, the world’s wealthiest man, is famously a “driver’s rights absolutist” who doesn’t believe in DUIs, speed limits, or traffic lights. While the latter two map seamlessly onto Uber’s existing vision, Musk sees the abolition of any and all alcohol restrictions as his next great frontier, much like how he saw SpaceX in 2002. And while he is optimistic, the world’s wealthiest hombré admits that - like SpaceX - there will be some inevitable explosions that we’ll just have to accept. Mostly because every Uber car will soon be a Tesla. 

Musk, the human who has the most money, intends to use the integration of Teslas into Uber as a public display of his “road liberty” views. Tesla’s autopilot has long been designed with these views in mind, as the cars courageously refuse to obey double yellow lines or so-called “road shoulders.” Musk believes putting the autopilot in the hands of intoxicated sub-minimum wage workers is the next step in completely freeing our cars from restrictive laws and limits, even when we’re not driving them. Or, as he so eccentrically put it: 

“Get rid of all those damn poors in the driver’s seat. 42069.” 

Sometimes it’s refreshing to see how different Musk is from other billionaires. The world’s most money-est guy and “Mecha-Racer #1” at Uber (official title), is already working with their executive team to implement his drunk driving dream. We spoke with the COO of Uber, Jank Pleef, who says work is proceeding at a lightning pace but no official decision has been made.

“No, we haven’t decided yet. Elon is still laughing at one of his jokes and hasn’t given us a clear yes or no, as of now…… *sigh*... 42069.”

So while it seems Mr. Musk, who I cannot stress enough is the world’s richest man, has not definitively said he’ll allow DUIs for Uber’s 22,800 workers– Ah, fuck it, I don’t get paid enough for this shit. Look, you know he’ll do it, and you know he’ll get away with it. You just know it. Now go invest in Uber and Jameson.