2024 Commencement Canceled Because F*** You, That’s Why
In a somewhat shocking announcement this morning, the Office of Ceremonies has stated that 2024 Annual Commencement ceremonies across all departments, including The Big One, will be canceled, though the reason behind this decision remains unclear to the public. In an email sent to all students, faculty, and staff, the Office of Ceremonies also included a link to a file titled “womp_womp.mp3,” which, predictably, was an audio recording of a melancholy trombone sound.
To all class of 2024 graduating seniors, many of whom had their high school graduations canceled in 2020 for some other reason, this announcement undoubtedly comes as a harsh shock. While many seniors are looking for a real explanation as to why commencement is canceled, others have chosen to make it about themselves, undoubtedly due to the grandiose victim complex this cohort acquired en masse during one of their most crucial developmental years.
“My sister Sarah is always talking about how she never got to go to prom,” said sophomore Jenna Clairborne, “She uses it as an excuse for everything. ‘I have to buy this cute dress now because I didn’t get to wear one for prom,’ ‘I should take the last cookie because I never got a prom.’ One time I called her out for saying something really problematic and she got upset that I would ‘attack’ her even though I knew she never got a prom.”
While Off Leash News does not condone any excuse for bigotry, we also understand that any high school graduate who missed not only the biggest state-sanctioned party of their teenage years, but also their entire freshman year of college, is probably a socially inept loser with no communication skills and thus should not be judged according to the same standards as most other human beings.
And experts agree. Professor of Human Development Greta Milton cited high-school-like behaviors, such as the tendency to talk sensationally about legal drug and alcohol usage as if the US was still under a nationwide prohibition, as something which signifies this year’s seniors as yet lacking in normal human experiences.
“It’s taking these students much longer than usual to reach normal freshman year milestones, such as a first substance-induced vomit, rejection from a newly-formed friend group, or other introductions to humility,” said Milton. “They’re only just now learning the rules of spikeball in their final year of undergrad. They’re simply not ready for what comes next.”
With that in mind, the next part of this story hopefully comes as less of a shock. Off Leash News recently spoke to an anonymous informant who claimed involvement with the Office of Ceremonies. They told us that the decision to cancel all commencement ceremonies was, above all else, a punishment.
“Of course, we can’t publicly say that that’s what it is,” the informant stated. “But yes, we - and by we, I mean every single member of this university - absolutely hate this year’s graduating class. They’re obnoxious.”
And so it seems, what better way to get the message across than by pulling a second commencement out from right under their feet? Some may find it cruel, while others call it poetic justice. However, one thing is certain: those parking passes you purchased for your family are still non-refundable.