Endorsement: A Kennedy That Probably Won’t Get Shot

To say that the 2024 Presidential Race will be a turning point in the history of the United States is dumb, because that’s what every single presidential race is, that’s the point. The president, once elected, does their job and then things happen, at least that’s what I’m led to believe. We the voters of like 7 states bestow a great power onto one individual, so the decision of those people in those 7 states should not be taken lightly. As a trusted news organization who’s readers span the globe*, Off Leash News felt like it was time we shared our informed and unbiased and stupid opinion on this presidential race. We have decided to officially endorse Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President.

Are we aware that in August, Mr. Kennedy suspended his presidential campaign and endorsed Republican Candidate and part-time Chester Cheetah impersonator Donald Trump? Yes, we are. This act of endorsement is the very thing that convinced this publication that Mr. Kennedy is right for the job. We know that Mr. Kennedy is using what scientists call reverse-psychology to trick the other candidates into not seeing him as a threat. He took a break from his campaign and went to his freaking-sweet house and came up with a really thoughtful and robust plan to run the country really well. Then when he becomes president he will use this plan that he spent so much time on instead of running around the country trying to convince people to like him to make the country better than it is today. Only someone as smart as RFK Jr. could pull off such a move.

While some other candidates in this election have been vague about their platforms and intended policies, Mr. Kennedy has been nothing but upfront and he has a worm in his brain that is probably controlling his movements like Remi in Ratatouille. But in this case instead of cooking fine French cuisine, the worm is interested in global warming, fluoride in drinking water, and how vaccines are the devil’s serum. Off Leash News officially believes in science and modern medicine, but we are also collectively scared of needles so vaccines are a big no-no. Mr. Kennedy’s worm is a champion of the working class, a writer, and best known for his role as Bookworm in Toy Story 3. The worm also distrusts vaccines and believes that 9/11 was an inside job, not done by the Bush administration, but by Al Gore.

At a time when many Americans feel the urge to move forward into a new future, Mr. Kennedy represents a move to the past, which is also another option. He is neither a woman nor a felon, but a plain old Kennedy with a bendable spine. He has the features of president's past, like a sprain-tan and the last name, but he represents a stupid future. Off Leash News endorses the stupid future because that’s what we’re here for. Don’t let the real present get in the way of your stupid future. Vote Kennedy.

* According to Squarespace, Off Leash news has 6 all-time readers from Vietnam, 1 from Nigeria, 5 from Argentina, and 15 from Italy