Student Overpopulation Study: By 2064 UW Will Form Writhing Mass Ball of Undergraduates

J.N.

If you’ve tried to get food on campus you’ve seen it: lines and lines of students. This Fall quarter, campus has seen more lines than a frat house coffee table.

The recent increase in student population is not a new phenomenon; between 1854 and 1889, the UW student population increased from 30 students to 300.

If this data is correct, then UW undoubtedly increases its student population by tenfold every 35 years. This means that by 1924, the UW should have had 3,000 students. By 1959, 30,000. This brings us to today, wherein the University of Washington has 2,314,286 students on campus. Now, some may be skeptical of this figure. To those people, I ask: have you actually counted every student? Have you actually done the math? Are you telling me you think you can-beyond a shadow of a doubt-prove that there are not 2 million people secretly living on campus that the UW is hiding for tax purposes?

While this all sounds slightly ridiculous, let me be clear that this is no joke. Under this current model by 2064, the UW will have an astounding 30 million students, over 6,000 times greater than the population of Antarctica.

The following are artists’ renderings of what the UW campus will look like in subsequent years.

Note: Artist’s Renderings Extremely Accurate

By 2085 the Reading Room of Suzzallo library will contain over 2,000 students at once, and will be used as a pregaming venue for the University's DodgeBall Arena (which will replace Football as the dominant American sport in 2040).

Five years later, in 2090, the UW will grow once again. TA’s will have their own TA’s called TAA’s. 10 years later, with the depressive episodes and rampant alcoholism within the TAA’s, the UW will create a TAA AA program (not to be confused with Triple AAA, which the AAA nonprofit corporation will have renamed to in 2032).

Given limited bathroom capacity, students will only be allowed 1 Gronk per day (Gronk having replaced the word for excrement in 2022).

These are the dark days of campus, but the worst is yet to come...

By 2169, UW will have a student population of 30,000,000,000. Campus will have no other form to take than a writhing mass ball of undergraduates. Students will grow accustomed to clambering through a pile of screaming faculty and classmates, writhing in agony.

Note: Montlake Boulevard NE Will Be Closed Temporarily At This Time

On the outer edges of the lovecraftian tangle of students, new students will belly flop onto the sides of the dome, immediately being charged 2 dollars for entering campus (equivalent to roughly 60 billion dollars in today’s money).

By 2200 however, some progress will have been made. UW’s mass ball will likely take the form of a 19th Century armchair, allowing 4 legs through which students can travel to classes, and a larger area in the seat and backrest where student housing will reside.

If not a 19th-century armchair then rather the shape of some sort of wooden stool, possibly one of those sofa chairs with the leg rest that extends out so that students have expedited transportation to the ave.

Billions of years into the future, the last proton decays, and UW’s campus will look like this:

Poetically, as the Universe ends, the student population will evolve to form the figure of an ancient statue, depicting a fertile woman.

Thus, as you go about this quarter wondering why it is taking so long to get your lunch between classes, be thankful. At least you aren’t part of the stomach flab of a large ancient statue made up of sweaty undergraduates being disintegrated into the mass void of nothingness.