All ASUW Election Candidates Old as Shit

Follow all of Off Leash’s coverage of the ASUW election by reading this one article because this is all we’re going to publish on it.

With the promise of adding New York Times Games subscriptions for all and Cooking subscriptions for the lucky, UW students are paying attention to the ASUW election for the first time ever. Well, except for poli-sci majors who fervently masturbate to C-SPAN. They’ve been voting in these for a while. 

This year’s candidates are all over the ages of 28, so they’re practically ancient. But they all promise to uphold the vision of the younger students on campus, and they pinky promised us that they’re actually in touch with those who still have intact hairlines. 

“Yes little missy, I’m incredibly familiar with what the young dames and gents think is hip. I may have graduated from University of Washington when we were still the Sun Dodgers, but my finger is still on the pulse of what students think is spick and span,” said candidate Cecil A. Bridgebottom. 

Bridgebottom is the oldest of all the candidates, clocking in at 126 years old. His favorite memories are the Great Depression and “blowing the heads off those damn Germans.” The youngest candidate, Scooter Beardcream, is a Ph.D. candidate in some stupid kind of literature.

“I find that this election is all very Kafkaesque, and I have many thoughts on it. For example, did you know,” he said. We did not listen past that point. After thirty minutes, Beardcream eventually claimed he needed to go home, as it was time for him to take his doggo to their reservation at Paws and Plates, Seattle’s premiere restaurant for doggos. 

The current student body feels underrepresented by this year’s nominees, claiming they prefer candidates born into a post 9/11 world. Many believe that those born before 9/11 have no grasp on what it actually means to be an American.

“To me, living in America means bald 50 year old men yelling at me to take my shoes off, and then catching them sneaking a whiff after they come out of the x-ray,” said student Addison Rae Jr., who was born in 2006.

As far as we’ve investigated, there are no possible solutions for all of the ASUW candidates being, frankly, geriatric. The wishes of those born into an era of getting felt up by middle aged women as a consequence for wearing too-baggy pants may never be fulfilled, unless a massive heart attack takes out both Bridgebottom and Beardcream. Even so, their running mates, Kamala Harris and Nikki Haley, will probably only make things worse.