UW Corporate Partners Set to Expand Campus Presence

The University of Washington has reached an agreement with all four of its official strategic corporate partnerships: Alaska Airlines, BECU, PepsiCo, and Starbucks, that will allow the companies to expand their presence on campus. The official reason for the agreement is, quote, “money”.

Starbucks has reached an agreement to rebrand the HUB as the “Starbucks Center for Friendship and Learning.” Reports suggest that Starbucks' motive was their concern about the presence of anything called a Union Building on campus.

PepsiCo has acquired the UW Food Pantry, whose charitable nature has tragically limited profits, something Pepsi intends to fix. 

The Pepsi Food Pantry will offer only Pepsi products, which means no more fresh produce or hygiene products, but on the bright side it means they’ll now offer commemorative January 6th Mountain Dew. After the Pepsi takeover groceries will no longer be free, but instead they'll be given out on loan and must be paid off with your firstborn child, or your kidney if you choose not to have children, because Pepsi respects whatever family means to you. 

Pepsi is not the only reason fresh produce will not be available at the food pantry. Alaska Airlines has acquired the UW Farm and plans to replace it with a small runway intended for private charter flights, which yes is bad for trees or whatever, but it does make private flights more convenient for the wealthy, so I’d say it's worth it.

BECU is also doing something, but unfortunately, I don’t know what a credit union is or does so I can’t explain it to you. I could Google it but honestly, that seems like a lot of effort.

When asked for comment regarding student objections to the corporatization of UW, the Board of Regents replied with the following email.

“Hello Dipshit, 

You really think anyone cares, ‘cause if they did, college would be free, dumbass. HAHAHAHAHAHA lil broke bitch thinks food is a human right, what are you like a gay guy or something? BTW you will never own a home. 

Go Fuck Yourself and Goodbye.”