UW Counseling Center Recommends Binge Drinking

Have you ever been unable to get out of bed in the morning due to the crushing weight of existence? Does nothing truly make you happy anymore? Do you crank it to Zootopia futanari at 3:00 A.M just to feel the briefest of dopamine releases? We’ve all been there before, but according to the UW Counselling Center, there may be a solution. Stop taking your antidepressants, stop going to therapy, and instead drink until your brain stops telling you to be sad.

I spoke to Dr. Bud Dwight at the Counseling Center about the scientific basis for the new recommendation, he explained that abusing alcohol is, quote “sick as hell bro”. He also told me that the new policy would free up time for those at the Counselling Center to focus on other projects saying “Now that I don’t have to listen to these lame ass students bitch about their problems I can spend more time watching Family Guy on Instagram Reels.”

While Dr. Dwight made a compelling case, I continued to feel the weight of investigative journalism on my shoulders. I realized the only way to know for certain if binge drinking worked, was to try it myself. The morning after my interview with Dr. Dwight, I drank 33 Mikes Hard Lemonades, I then spent the afternoon throwing rocks at birds and attempting to sell Zyns to local seventh graders. It was the happiest I’d ever been.

My investigation did uncover a few side effects: my girlfriend broke up with me, my friends said I had “shown a side of myself they did not like,” I was beaten up and robbed by one of the local seventh graders, and I may have been hit by a car after I drunkenly stumbled into the road. You might be thinking that those side effects sound really bad, but what you're failing to consider is that they’re actually fine and you're overreacting, stop being such a cop, I'm doing great.