“Nothing to See Here” says Administration About Completely Empty Campus

The University of Washington administration is having a great week. The campus is looking beautiful in its spring greenery and students are super engaged and excited to learn. The administration wants to assure everyone that everything is fine and normal and that nothing is going on out of the ordinary.

“As long as you cover your ears, and don’t go in the Quad, Red Square, the W entrance on North Campus, the W entrance on South Campus, or really any entrance, there is nothing to see here and everything is completely normal,” said UW Provost and Executive Vice President of Academic Affairs, Tricia Serio, while sipping a mojito and getting fanned with palm tree leaves by two trained monkeys from the primate research lab.

Contrary to what the administration says, however, The Daily has reported that things are indeed happening on campus. According to multiple articles posted on their website, the Quad is currently occupied by the Liberated Zone encampment for Palestine, and in literally all of the other places the academic student employees (ASEs) are striking while they negotiate for fairer contracts.

The administration believes that the public has been misled about what is actually happening on campus and is adamant that none of that “fake news funny business” is real.

“I’m pretty sure the tents in the Quad are leftovers from people trying to see the aurora borealis,” said Serio, now sucking the blood from the neck of an alive baby. “And that shouting you might hear is probably just support for our football team. Did you know they made the National Championship game this year? I’m so proud of them.”

In a completely unrelated move, the administration has canceled all campus tours for prospective students. And while their official stance is to still encourage tourists to come to campus, their unofficial stance is to heavily discourage tourists from coming to campus.

“I think they’re a bunch of fucking liers who line their own pockets while…” said UW undergrad student Charles Barkeley before being shot from 500 yards by an unidentified sniper.

After a thorough investigation by Off Leash News, we could not determine who was telling the truth. As a respected news source who values our own credibility, we’d hate to spread any lies so I’ll leave you with this: remember when our football team made the National Championship?