Turkey Erects “No Girls Allowed” Sign, Decimating YPJ

A terrible blow has been struck to the Women’s Protection Units (YPJ), the all-female wing of the People’s Protection Units (YPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD)– not to be confused with the Free Women’s Units (YJA), the all-female wing of the People’s Defense Forces (HPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdistan Workers’ Party (PKK)– well, anyway, a terrible blow has been struck. This weekend, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan called for “No Girls Allowed” signs to be erected along the border, effectively purging Turkey of female fighters.

“As a vocal supporter of the Muslim Brotherhood (1) and a longtime admirer of Dennis the Menace, I could see no other course of action,” Erdoğan told Off Leash. “A man’s pseudo-democratic regime is his clubhouse, and a clubhouse should never be tainted by stinky girls.”

When asked to clarify what makes a girl stinky, Erdoğan replied: “Allow me to present a thought experiment. Suppose a girl has stolen a toy– say, a lawnmower– from Dennis the Menace’s best friend, Curly. Clearly, this makes said girl odiferous. Now suppose a group of girls has stolen a toy– say, the Syrian city of Kobani (2)– from Erdoğan’s best friend, the Islamic State. What is Erdoğan to do?”

Apparently, Erdoğan is to issue an edict requiring all Turkish radio stations to tap out NO GIRLS ALLOWED in Morse code ten times a day, which he hopes will be picked up by the dental fillings of YPJ members. The method has neither been tested nor has any scientific basis, but the president has full confidence that the message will find and vanquish its targets.

“It happened on I Love Lucy,” Erdoğan explained, “and Lucy wouldn’t lie to me.”

Off Leash was granted an exclusive tour of the backyard treehouse where the Grand National Assembly does their arts and crafts. Amid clusters of glitter glue and washable markers could be seen a growing pile of handmade signs, with several men in business suits hard at work scribbling more. Half of them were in yellow marker, which didn’t show up very well, and the other half were just drawings of various officials holding hands, but we didn’t have the heart to point that out. Erdoğan’s little face was too full of innocent delight.

“Look,” he said, beaming proudly as he held one up for us to see. “I did this one. The S is backwards on purpose, like in The Little Rascals.”

It’s easy to forget when he’s being so damn cute, but this little fella’s family was personally involved in the oil trade with ISIS(3), an organization widely regarded as the biggest rascal of them all. Under Erdoğan’s guidance, Turkey has also funneled supplies and personnel through to ISIS, allowed them to mount attacks from Turkish territory, and furnished them with satellite imagery and other intelligence.1 Girlboss? No. Slay? Yes, but in the archaic sense. We can’t lie, there’s some true craftsmanship taking place in this treehouse, but no amount of glitter glue can cover up the atrocities committed in Iraq and Syria.

Though Erdoğan’s evil genius may have toughened the battle for Kurdish women’s forces – who are now battling not only corrupt governments and terrorist organizations, but the exclusionary magic of boyhood – these stinky girls are far from alone. Dennis the Menace may be lost to the dark side, but various other cartoon characters have begun stepping up in support of Kurdish liberation. South Park’s Kyle Broflovski recently made public his induction into the YPG, with associate Wendy Testaburger heading a new division of the YPJ. Count Chocula has begun printing passages from Democratic Confederalism on the back of his cereal boxes. The Punisher has reportedly made several attempts to break Abdullah Öcalan out of solitary confinement, and Jon Arbuckle continues to point out the hypocrisy of US economic ties to the Turkish military (4) in his weekly New Yorker column, “Jon’s Thoughts on the Rojava Conflict.” Even Garfield has dared to challenge his own long-held beliefs, finally affirming that there is, in fact, one thing worse than Mondays: a repressive ethnostate.

Works Cited

Kedar, M. (2020, October 11). Turkey's relationship with Isis proves it is deserting its European allies. Begin-Sadat Center for Strategic Studies. Retrieved April 15, 2023, from https://besacenter.org/turkey-isis-relationship/
Tzemach Lemmon, G. (2021, February 22). PBS NewsHour. PBS. Retrieved April 15, 2023, from https://www.pbs.org/video/daughters-of-kobani-1614033960/
Eremenko, A., & Bruton, F. B. (2015, December 2). Russia accuses Turkey's Erdogan of involvement with Isis Oil Trade. NBCNews.com. Retrieved April 15, 2023, from https://www.nbcnews.com/storyline/isis-terror/russia-accuses-turkeys-erdogan-involvement-isis-oil-trade-n472596
Redcrow, T. (2017, May 23). Revolutionary Left Radio. The Kurds and the Rojavan Revolution w/ Dr. Thoreau Redcrow. Retrieved April 15, 2023, from https://revolutionaryleftradio.libsyn.com/the-rojavan-revolution-with-dr-thoreau-redcrow