Burke Museum Starts Destroying Dinosaur Fossils Cause Dinos Are for Babies

J.N.

A tantrum broke out at the Burke museum this past week, as local paleontologist Greg Polinsky began destroying dinosaur fossils in a fit of passion. “I DON’T WANNA PLAY WITH DINOSAURS ANYMORE” yelled the 56 year old, smashing a baseball bat into the skull of a Spinosaurus. Fragments of glass and fossilized bone spewed onto the floor. 

Polinsky reached into his back pocket pulling out a LEGO Bionicle, crouched down to the skull and began furiously hitting it with the toy. Polinsky looked at the skull, then back at the Bionicle and screamed “Why did YOU do that??” Polinsky’s face began to contort into a frown. He was now crying, hitting the floor strewn with glass. 

Polinsky got a boo boo, so I had to take him to the nurses office. It was no use interviewing him anyways, since he kept asking to watch Cocomelon on my computer instead of letting me take notes. 

If this were an isolated incident then maybe the museum could recover. However, Polinsky’s fussy attitude was beginning to cause ripples in the museum’s management. 

“Vroooooooooom VRooooOOOM” Museum director Dr. Julie Stein enthusiastically ran around a reconstructed Mammoth pushing a Hot Wheels race car.

Once again, I tried to begin the interview:

“Dr. Stein...Dr. Stein, please listen”

Dr. Stein stopped and spat at me

“Dr. Stein NO. We do NOT spit at each other here”

The museum director ass-planted on the floor and began whining:

“I want to go home. Museums are boring. Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese?”

The Burke Museum has since released a statement detailing their new outline for curation. The plan now includes “laser beams and stuff” and “Moana” … just “Moana.”

For now however, I sit at a Chuck E. Cheese, waiting for Dr. Stein to emerge from a maze of sticky play tubes. Despite whatever happens to the Burke museum in the upcoming months, I just hope that the staff gets enough nap time and apple juice…they seem overworked.