School is Back, Give Me Adderall Now!

FWOC. (First Week of Class, for any losers.) A time honored tradition. The only time when it really does seem like 40,000 students go to this school, because somehow every single one of them has managed to get in my way today. 

Among the many things that FWOC brings into our lives, both cleansing and unholy,  the reintroduction of the school year routine is top of our minds. For many, including myself, this means the resumption of our beloved study drugs. ADDERALL.

After months of working at summer camps, making complicated drinks at coffee shops, bitterly resenting friends who managed to get summer internships, and generally not stimulating my fertile mind in the slightest; Adderall has come to drag my decaying body out of the alcohol and Instagram Reels infested bog in which it has festered. 

I almost forgot to take it this morning, obviously. But the thought of sitting down and engaging with course content entered my mind just in time for me to dive towards the little orange bottle on my desk.

It’s now been 3 hours since I’ve consumed my brightly-colored oblong treat and let me tell you folks, I am on a roll. I can recite for you the grading techniques of my professors. My laundry has been taken out of the drier while it was still warm and crisply folded into neat little rectangles. My emails have been answered. My texts have been sent. My third eye has opened, and it can see far into the future. I am a super-highway of concentration. I can feel the thoughts pulsating through my neurons. Marie Kondo herself has emerged from the quagmire of obscurity to personally arrange my mind into the most neat and efficient machine known to man. Nothing can stop me now. At this rate I could graduate in three years. No, one. No, in 48 hours. 

I will devour every task that comes my way. No social engagement will be forgotten and no chapter of reading skipped. I AM AN ALMIGHTY GOD OF THE UNDERGRADUATE EXPERIENCE. SNIVEL AT MY FEET YE PEASANTS WHO ARE BOUND TO THIS REALM BY EARTHLY COMPULSIONS FOR I HAVE REACHED EDEN, THE NIRVANA, THE SHANGRI-LA OF ORGANIZATION AND FOCUS.

…

… Wait. Where did I put my pill bottle?