Breaking News: Your Classmate is from the Bay Area

Everyone has been there. It’s the first day of class, and you’re tasked with doing ice breakers with the people sitting near you. You go through your names, pronouns, and majors before the fatal question is asked: Where are you from? 

It starts off normally. Someone’s from Renton, or Portland, or Bellingham. But then someone is from Berkeley. Or San Francisco. Or God forbid, they don’t elaborate on where in the Bay Area. All hell breaks loose. Suddenly everyone else in your group is also from the Bay Area. You’re from the Bay Area now. I’m from the Bay Area. Fist fights break out over if the East Bay is the “real bay,” or if it’s just another area. You don’t understand the beef, but you’re willing to die for it. More Bay Area students flood the room. Everyone’s from the Bay Area. You can never escape the Bay Area. 

This has been a prevalent problem in the UW community for years now. Normal students are overwhelmed by the presence of Bay Area students both inside and outside the classroom, and there’s no sign of this conundrum ending. According to a recent survey, most normal students could barely point out San Francisco on a labeled map of the United States prior to their freshman year. However, by the end of their first quarter they could not only locate the region with scary accuracy, they were also able to perfectly recite temperature and water conditions for rowing at any given time. 

There are a few possible solutions to this problem. The first, and least desirable, is to rename UW to “University of Bay Area Seattle.” It’s the author’s personal opinion that this would suck. The second, which is moderately desirable, is to place a hold on admitting Bay Area applicants for the next few years. This option is probably the most realistic, provided the student body petitions and protests until Ana Mari Cauce hears the voice of the people. The third, and most desirable, is to put them in a “Big Brother” type of situation. Put them all in a house, and whoever is the last to get voted out gets free tuition, as well as rights to decide the official boundaries of the Bay Area. Multiple fraternities have already volunteered to host watch parties Thursday through Sunday nights. Normal students are clamoring over the idea, excited about hours of free entertainment and a month without listening to Bay Area students fight over local high schools and restaurants. Really, it’s just a win-win situation for most people involved.