Hazing at UW Up 300% After Consequential Email
On January 7th, the UW community received a hilarious email detailing a new anti-hazing program for all three campuses. What many thought to be a joke turned out to be a serious attempt at eliminating hazing from the university. Students were told to complete a course, titled, “Hazing Prevention 101 – College Edition,” which up to this point only 0.12% of the student body has completed.
The obvious intent of the program is to reduce hazing, but the exact opposite seems to be happening. An internal report done by Off Leash News reveals that hazing incidents are up over 300% on the Seattle campus since the email was sent out a month ago. Hazing Prevention and Response Specialist, Alex Salemme, was disheartened when he learned about the numbers.
“I am very passionate about hazing,” said Salemme. “Passionate about preventing hazing, of course. I used to be passionate about hazing back in my college days. You should’ve seen me back then. I was ripped and mean. It was like a drug, like a fucking drug man. The power you feel when you’re yelling at a scared little freshman bitch. You’re their king. I fucking miss that shit… Um, I think I got a little off track there. I’m very disappointed that the students have disregarded my email and decided to have fun instead. That’s my official statement.”
Salemme’s comments were not edited for length, nor clarity.
While hazing traditions are common in Greek life, this new spike in hazing has come from some surprising places. It was revealed that WASHPIRG, the student activist group and people always asking for your signature, have started hazing their new members in a rather unusual way.
“They have to steal Patty Murray’s bathwater,” said WASHPIRG member Julie Andrews, who wishes to remain anonymous. “And yes, we got the idea from Saltburn.”
In an act of unitary protest, many other UW clubs and organizations have started their own unique hazing rituals. The UW Symphony Orchestra makes their new musicians sing Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 in front of the whole group. All of the parts. That’s a lot of parts. The Snow Club makes new members melt a snowball in between their butt cheeks, and the fastest one to finish gets to chug a beer. The Cross Country Club makes its new members run all the way to Canada and back without any water. Only half make it back.
Worst of all, unfortunately, comes from Off Leash News, which apparently makes its members sell their soul to the comedy devil and kill one of their grandparents. Disgusting.
It is unclear at this time what the response from the university will be. One thing is for certain: watch your fucking back because you never know when you’re gonna get it, bitch.