UWPD Fails to Identify Naked Stabber

A recent stabbing in the U-District is proving difficult to solve as police try to track down the suspect. The stabbing occurred late last Thursday night on some irrelevant numbered street, where the victim was hit right below the ribs and is now recovering poorly in the hospital.

When asked why they were having trouble identifying a suspect, officer McDaniels said, “I went to ask the victim what the stabber looked like but they were screaming in agony and all bloody. I don’t like blood. It makes me light-headed, so I stayed away from that whole mess.”

The other officer, Bush-McDaniels, while furiously drinking donuts and eating coffee, was able to offer some more clarity on the situation. “I talked to the victim’s friend, good broad, wide hips. She started to describe the suspect, but when she said he was completely naked and bald I had to stop her there.”

Bush-McDaniels went on to explain that there is no way to differentiate between people if they are completely naked. Only hair, clothes, and other accessories, like guns and backpacks, are used to profile people. Every single bald naked person looks exactly the same, and there’s absolutely no difference between them.

“I asked how big his dingaling was, for reporting reasons of course, and she started to tell me. But I had to stop her before she could,” Bush-McDaniels added. If a cop knows the penis size of a naked suspect, preconceived stereotypes of the disparities of penis sizes among different races might disrupt the officer’s ability to identify a suspect in an unprejudiced way.

The officers have gotten multiple calls from people claiming to have seen a naked man with a knife running around the U-District with blood on his arms, but without enough details to have a suspect for the stabbing, the officers can’t assume that “he’s the guy.”