Where Dreams Go to Slowly Die: School of Art Lowers Graduation Requirements Due to Derivative Capstone Submissions

J.L.

The school of art + art history + design has recently announced that, effective immediately, senior capstones are no longer required for those who intend to graduate with a concentration in photo/media. The email announcing this change went on to say that students may actually be penalized for sending in capstones and that they "might just send you to fishery sciences or something idk."

When asked for comment on this change, Cameron Mann, the professor who typically oversees such projects, responded, "We used to love the capstones and used them as an opportunity to let students show off the work they’re proudest of. But in the last year- I just can't take it anymore, man. I can't bear to look at yet another photo of a discarded mask or an empty playground. Do you have any idea the number of projects I've been sent titled "A Sign Of The Times..."? I'm losing my mind, I didn't even want this career in the first place, I just wanted to be a dancer. But I was told I was "too stocky" to be on Broadway." At this point, professor Mann launched into an impassioned soliloquy about the wonderful yet cutthroat world of Broadway that was so beautiful it rendered our reporters too emotional to take notes on the event. When asked over text to describe the speech, one of our reporters responded only with a spotify link to the Dear Evan Hansen movie soundtrack intercut with sound effects of teenagers crying themselves to sleep. 

Disappointed with our lackluster interview, we scheduled several more with notable members of the department. We were promptly sent an email from the dean, Richard Pique, telling us that Cameron had left the school to pursue a career in dance, and that he didn’t want any more Off Leash reporters interviewing his staff and making them realize that the program is “where dreams go to slowly die.” Despite this message from the dean, now seems to be a great time to be a photography student! No senior capstone, and rumor has it that the department is hiring!