UW Pro-Life Protestors Recruit Baby in Puffy Jacket

C.C.

Anti-abortion protestors have frequented Red Square in an attempt to persuade pro-choicers with images of the little red goblin shrimp fresh out of your 9 hour old pad. To everyone’s shock and dismay, these efforts have been mostly ineffective. 

After years of shouting “Your baby has elbows by now!” at freshman girls who are probably just bloated, the protestors are doing some heavy rebranding. Their new strategy is not focusing on the personhood of your little 2 a.m. Four Loko Gold induced oopsie, but instead drawing inspiration from a nearby preschool field trip. 

They are posing the tough questions: what if baby had a little baby sized puffy jacket? What if, for example, it was a chilly day and baby was cold so perhaps, you put a little hat on baby? And what if – just to play Devil’s advocate here – the tiny hat had some little bear ears so the baby looked like a little baby bear cub? What if baby so small and jacket so puffy? Hmm? Would you kill the baby then? What would you do (hypothetically) if you were on the bus going to class and you saw a chain of little babies in their little puffy jackets all holding a little rope? What then, woman? Would you commandeer the bus and take a hard left into the baby chain, scattering them like little tiny bowling pins? That is what I thought. And what if I dare to suggest that little baby in little puffy jacket approaches you, asking “Excwuse me maam, whewe is the bafwoom?” would you pick up that baby and throw it in a perfect, NFL-worthy spiral into a nearby recycling bin? Maybe you would you sick woman bastard. What is your precious “bodily autonomy” gonna do when it is faced with little baby sized rain boots that are so unbelievably tiny you think them doll shoes? Where is your God now? After all, what does “pro-choice” mean to a toddler so enveloped in puff, holding an 8 ounce children’s temperature hot chocolate in its little baby mittened hands? You’re going to hell.