“Thirst Traps” Combat Rising Sea Levels and Herpes
From Al Gore to Bill Nye, scientists have been concerned by rising sea levels for decades. Since 1880, ocean levels have risen by about nine inches due to melting ice caps in the North and South poles. This is a huge problem aside from rising sea levels, as frozen water is known to hold bacterias and diseases that humans have never been exposed to before.
These escaped viruses have been nicknamed “Zombie Viruses” by experts. Thirteen zombie viruses have been discovered so far, including a concerning new strain of the herpes virus, which is highly contagious and incurable. Scientists want to prevent the spread of the new Santa’s Little Secret strain by containing it in a group of those who likely already have the sister strains.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Environmental Protection Agency have collaborated and have come up with a solution. The new operation “Thirst Trap,” is spearheaded by Former Clinton Secretary of Cock Monica Lewinsky. It’s designed to hit three birds with one stone by combatting the rising sea levels, containing the spread of the new herpes strain, and reducing the number of sexual predators on the internet.
The plan is simple. The FBI will first scour TikTok and Instagram to find men who have posted thirst traps online. Offenders include dudes with fluffy hair showing off their abs to teenage audiences, couples accounts, and any guy who’s commented the fire emoji under a girl’s post.
The selected offenders will be placed on small rafts around the arctic circle. Equipped with silly straws, the men will be instructed to suck.
“We wanted to find the thirstiest men we could find, and horny dudes online seemed like the best place to start. These dudes really suck, and I know what it means to suck.”
The high consumption of the melted water not only helps offset the rising ocean levels, it keeps herpes from spreading by giving it to people that won’t get the chance to spread it: creeps.
“We thought that since these guys aren’t having sex anyways, they won’t be able to spread the virus. And honestly, they probably have every other form of it already,” said Lewinsky.
Over two thousand candidates have been chosen so far. The team scoured hashtags like #abs, #pleasedateme, #lanafan, and #fishing. While some critics have speculated that being chosen will be embarrassing, that has not been the case.
“I was really excited that I was picked for this because I’m like helping the earth. I don’t wanna live underwater, man. I can’t hold my breath long enough. Plus they said something about like sex and transmission but they had me at sex.”
Off Leash News secured an exclusive interview with Bryce, one of the chosen “Thirsty Boys.” Bryce was the “Patient Zero” of the new zombie herpes strain, as a result of the sucking operation- but that’s not a bad thing in Bryce’s eyes.
“They always say first the worst, so I guess I’m just patient zero the hero,” Bryce said with what looked like a tear forming.
Operation Thirst Trap commenced over the summer of 2024 and the results are already evident. The sea levels got so low in the Gulf of Mexico (or America, depending on who you ask) that it spawned the devastating Hurricane Milton. Critics of the operation claim that the boys are actually too good at sucking, and they need to slow down.
“We really underestimated just how thirsty these guys were, it’s kind of scary at times,” The head of the FBI wrote in a press release, “But at least the hurricane wasn’t filled with herpes.”
Overall, Operation Thirst Trap is expected to continue operations throughout the winter months in the Arctic Circle. The sucking boys, or “Waterfighters,” are expected to go entire months without seeing the sun, only sucking away at the salty, disease ridden water.