Important Campus Updates For New and Returning Students
L.E.
Hello Huskies! It’s been quite a while since we’ve been back on campus, and we’re excited to see you all here! As we come back to campus, there are a some important changes that have happened in our absence you need to be aware of:
The George Washington Statue
Throughout the past year, the George Washington statue has sparked a fiery debate over the values of the school and the history of our nation as a whole, leading to the Black Student Union formally demanding the removal of the statue. The University immediately knew what had to be done, and that change was necessary; the statue has now been remodeled with the addition of a Black Lives Matter T-shirt and a fist raised high to represent support for the movement. In addition, the statue now has a tattoo of Kobe Bryant shaking hands with Malcolm X on the back of George’s head, though it will not be visible as it will be covered by the wig made by his slaves.
Suzzallo Library
It’s gone.
Mount Rainier Billboard
The view of Mount Rainier will now be replaced with an electronic billboard that will display a 24/7 livestream of the mountain, sponsored by HBO Max. Don’t worry though, it is reported to support 4K quality video, meaning it will look almost as good as if the billboard wasn’t there at all. There will also be a scrolling news ticker with UWPD’s latest updates, such as “Wish that axe murderer would come back so I’d have something to do :(,” and, “Why do people keep calling me piggy? Is that a fat joke?”
IMA Construction
The IMA is currently undergoing several renovations:
The workout equipment has now been segregated into an “Athlete” section, equipped with a full suite of all the latest workout machines, and a “Non-Athlete” section, which currently consists of a treadmill (broken) and a Shake Weight TM.
To encourage students to push themselves to their full athletic potential, there is now a man with a gun on the track. Do not let him get within range.
Women’s weights now weigh approximately 70% of what men’s weights weigh, in a new system dubbed “Weights for Appropriate Gendered Experiences” or “W.A.G.E.” For more information please Google “Women’s Wage Gap”.
All treadmills will now be used to power the Mount Rainier electronic billboard.
The showers are currently unavailable.
Updated Quiet Hours
The new dorm quiet hours have been established as 10:00 P.M. - 2:14 A.M. and 2:17 A.M. - 8:00 A.M.
Greek House “Sigma Feral” Established
As residents of Greek row moved off campus following the shift to online school last year, local coyotes began to take shelter in these abandoned houses. After approval from the Interfraternity Council, they have established a new fraternity referred to informally as “Feral”. The coyotes have become outstanding representatives of the Greek system and have all received their COVID vaccines, though declined to comment on the status of their rabies shots. In a recent poll, they were also voted the second most predatory house on greek row.
Vegan Protestors in HFS
Blindfolded vegan protestors will now constitute the majority of the staff in UW food service locations. As they are both blindfolded and unwilling to handle any animal products, students will now be expected to cook their own Kahlua pork plates. The protestors have said they will be happy to serve salads, though students will have to guide them through the process as their severe iron deficiency prevents them from being able to raise their arms to remove their blindfolds.
Security Breach
After her Friday night routine of downing a bottle of chardonnay at Gasworks, Ana Marie Cauce reportedly dropped UW’s only master key while returning to her lair. The key is able to unlock every door on campus, as well as all off-campus apartments within a 5-mile radius of Red Square. UWPD has advised nailing all doors shut at night as an extra precaution.
New Animal Rights Group
Students have established a new, exceptionally progressive animal rights group on campus. The students feel that animals should be treated as equal to humans in all matters, and so have elected a variety of poultry as the club’s governing body. Feral House is said to be highly interested in joining the group.
New Dorms
There are new dorms on North Campus. They seem quite nice.