UWPD Receiving Non-Stop Phone Calls About Pigs In Station

Tuesday this week, UWPD issued a statement requesting that 911 be used for emergency purposes only, after receiving a sudden influx of calls reporting ‘pigs’ occupying the police station.

“We are well aware of the strained relations between the public and the police at the moment,” said Chief of Police Abraham Miller. “UWPD is committed to serving our community and we support those speaking out against social injustice. However, we ask that callers voice their concerns through the non-emergency response number, or by contacting their local representatives. The 911 response line is for emergency calls only, and jokes about—” Miller was unable to finish his comment, however, as he was suddenly speared in the chest by a wild boar, which had apparently been hiding under his desk for the last several hours.

Despite this violent outburst, the rest of the pigs occupying the station said that the aggressor does not serve as an example of the rest of them. The porcine group claims that their purpose is to “protect and serve,” though they declined to comment on whether humans fall under the category of animals they are supposed to serve. Group leader Pinky offered insight into the perspective of a pig when interacting with humans. “We find humans much bigger and scarier than us,” he oinked. “If a pig feels that they are in danger, they are well within their rights to attack in self-defense. I understand that the community is upset about people repeatedly being gored to death, but try to understand things from our perspective. Pink lives matter.”

As for when the pigs will disperse the station, UW officials are yet to comment. Despite the social media firestorm including examples of residents killed by pigs, videos of excessive pig violence, and petitions for pig reform, no action has been taken so far.