U District Announces Plan to Ban House Shows

House shows have been an integral part of the U District for a long time, I think. Every weekend, multiple venues host small local bands so that UW students can use music as an excuse to get piss drunk enough to not think about the years they’ll need to spend in this godforsaken institution. These gatherings also invite a culture of “fashion” and “rejection of mainstream society,” but individuals who subscribe to these alternative ideals seem to spend most of their time shitting on other people doing the same thing as them. Regardless, the administration has decided it has had enough. 

“Even though we technically have no jurisdiction over the U District, we’re working with local politicians to shut these down,” claimed UW spokesperson Spoke Sperson, “We’ve had enough of these quirky little boys in their weird little Converses.” 

Mr. Sperson also stated that UW “doesn’t give a rat’s ass” about the excessive underage drinking happening at these events. This puts excessive underage drinking on the list of things the administration couldn’t care less about, along with crime, monkeys, and its students. When we reached out to local showgoers for comment, none of them were fond of this new change.

“Did he call my shoes Converse?” asked first year Stew Dehnt. He seemed really mad for some reason, continuing with, “These are Rick Owens. They are not Converse.” 

Regardless of whether Dehnt’s stupid little shoes are Converse or not, outrage can be felt across the entire community. There will no longer be a place for unique and different students to feel superior to those who opt for frats for their youthful frolicking. Without house shows to drink illegally at, students under the legal drinking age of 40 will once again have to turn to fake IDs or Brent’s older brother’s chill friend Derek to feed their budding drinking problems. 

In the age of the internet, finding places to buy fake IDs is harder than ever. Brent’s older brother’s chill friend Derek is also becoming harder to reach, now that his mom made him get a job at the local Staples. Sources say this could be the end of underage drinking in the U District altogether, but once again, the UW administration seems to be taking a unique stance.

“Why are they not drinking anymore?” Ana Marie Cauce was heard bellowing from the depths of Drumheller Fountain. “Do they want heroin now? Give them heroin!” In unrelated news, UW’s free heroin booths are expected to start appearing around campus next week.