ASUW Senate Votes to Dissolve Itself

In a landmark decision, the ASUW Senate voted to dissolve itself this past Thursday, dealing a massive blow to the UW’s student representation. The vote came in the aftermath of weeks-long gridlock over whether or not to pay librarians more, or instead construct a second Starbucks in the Suzzallo lobby. When asked to give a statement on the matter, Senator Kevin Jevin-Devin was quoted as saying "paying the librarians more would be a better option morally speaking, but having a second Starbucks would make my morning commute two minutes shorter. It's a hard choice." 

Tensions began to rise when the pro-Starbucks faction shut down any opposing discourse on the senate floor by putting their fingers in their ears and screaming loudly. The ensuing debate brought the Senate to a standstill for the next week. Despite efforts to break the gridlock, factionalism within the Senate only increased further, with a splinter group of senators even proposing that all of Suzzallo's funding be redirected to the current Starbucks. In the words of one anonymous senator, “This would be a win for everybody. It's not like anyone goes into Suzz for anything besides Starbucks, right?"

The Senate went through a staggering 52 rounds of voting before a final budget plan could be agreed upon. This plan, as a compromise, will allow for the construction of a second Starbucks, alongside payment reforms for the librarians. The "Libraries Rock Bloc" released a statement declaring legislative victory over the "Starbucks Caucus," saying, "This new budgetary plan will be a milestone in ensuring equal pay for all UW employees. Librarians can now expect an annual salary increase of $24.00 plus one (1) free dinner roll from the District Market." 

The Starbucks Caucus immediately released a statement that they were under the impression that free dinner rolls were only to be given to librarians if they purchased a soup, and they would have never agreed to the terms otherwise. This led to the reformation of the gridlock. During the senate session the next day, in a surprising turn of events, the gridlock was broken once and for all. Both factions came together to propose a vote to “take the Senate out back and shoot it like the dog in Old Yeller.” The vote passed 237-0.