Trump Condemns the Resistance in Draft of Inauguration Speech

Former President Donald Trump will become President Lord Commander Trump again on Monday when he is sworn into office for the second time. A leak of Trump’s inauguration address has been acquired by Off Leash News and reads as follows:

Today is the end of the Republic. The end of a regime that acquiesces to disorder. At this very moment in a system far from here, the New Republic lies to the galaxy while secretly supporting the treachery of the rogues of the Resistance. This fierce machine which you have built, upon which we stand will bring an end to the Senate, to their cherished fleet. All remaining systems will bow to the First Order and will remember this as the last day of the Republic!

It is unlikely that Supreme Leader Trump wrote the speech himself, given that he doesn’t know what ‘acquiesces’ means, but the identity of his ghost writer is unknown at this time. If His Royal Highness does give this speech in its entirety it will surely become the shortest inauguration speech ever. 

Political think tanks who also received a copy of the speech are divided on what they think the message is that Tsar Trump is trying to send the country.

“These are the words of a dictator,” said Rachel Maddow’s gay dog Trixie. “He is telling us all exactly who we know him already to be.”

“He is giving off power,” said former Fox News anchor and current Russian political hostage Tucker Carlson (they never let him leave after the Putin interview). “That’s the man I want leading the free world and to also rescue me, please.”

“This is the speech General Hux gives in The Force Awakens,” said your nerd cousin Conner. Conner is an independent libertarian who works at the Millenium Falcon ride at Disney Land, and he’s a fucking nerd.

Even though political pundit’s are divided on the origin and meaning of the speech, it doesn’t actually matter at all. Shit’s about to happen, whatever that means. Good luck to you and your families and may the gods bless the United States of America.