META to Debut Entirely New Line of Credit: Your Dignity
Sometimes, especially as a college student, you might find yourself eagerly anticipating your next paycheck. Worry not! META has a new solution for you- and all you have to do is sign over your dignity.
Under this new line of credit, certain items will be worth different amounts than they usually are. For example, if you’re purchasing anti-balding medicine at an employee operated checkout station, META will activate their spyware in your phone to see if you make excruciating, terribly timed eye contact with the employee. If you do, they’ll triple the dignity cost.
On the flip side, if you can avoid a soul damaging situation, your dignity card will give you discounts for certain purchases. If you manage to nab a lime scooter with no one in your half mile radius (META will know. You know they will.), then the lime scooter fee drops in half.*
META is also simultaneously introducing “dignity-coins,” similar to Apple Cash in concept. Consumers can earn dignity-coins through all sorts of achievements. Since META sees all and knows all, they benevolently assign dignity-coins based on personal values. For example, if your Reel gets more views than you expected, META will issue dignity-coins to match the marginal amount of serotonin that your brain releases upon seeing your view count!
Here’s the catch: consumers have no control over their dignity-coins. A META insider revealed they’re working on exclusive tech that accesses consumers’ phones to emit a projection of coins falling whenever consumers participate in dignity deducting events. Oh, well.
Once you get past the Bible long contract of signing over your dignity (which includes granting META your likeness, mortal body, and everlasting spirit**), you might find your dignity to be the best way to pay the bills! For those worried about reading the contract, don’t worry. META’s lobbyists just pushed through a bill that grants checking off a virtual box the same legal weight as a real life signature. META looks forward to seeing you soon, baby girl!
*Just admit you lose respect for a person when you recognize them on a lime scooter with their goofy frame clinging to the cesspool of germs on the handle that probably has the next terrible STD living on it.
**Despite the requirement to grant META complete access to all your data, META would like to clarify that their dignity card is in no way similar to China’s social ranking system. Amazon is working on that- sources report the system will be called “Prime slay or nay.”