Off Leash Exclusive: Red Square Breaks Silence And Tells All

Last Tuesday, Off Leash News received a surprising email: one from the Red Square itself. For the first time, this floor structure has revealed the epic highs and lows of long-lasting architecture and sentience. The structure reportedly broke its silence after one too many UW Students questioned its shape and Cold-War Era styled buildings. 

“What about it?!” Red Square fired. “Everyone buys into microtrends at some point, and yeah, the builders had astigmatism so I didn’t come out as a square. It’s not the first time that parents have fucked up their kids.”

The ranting email included other insights into the Square’s life. In fact, the Square is particularly proud of Odegaard Library: “Haha yeah, the brick covering all the windows was epic. I can feel the students’ suffering all while the sweet view of the outside is blocked away.” 

The Square reasonably lamented over its daily duties, like supporting the foot traffic of UW’s 35,000+ student body. It detailed: “Yeah, you dumb fucks, I do enjoy getting your socks wet and making you slip during midterms week. Ever consider how your shitty sneakers feel on my face?”

In comparison to other popular campus walkways, Red Square “could care less about the Quad,” citing that “everyone spends all their time looking at trees there because Ol’ Quaddy boy has zero personality.”

It’s clear that Red Square has limitless wisdom and endless eavesdropping skills. Surprisingly, it says to keep stealing its bricks. It looks forward to witnessing students’ “pathetic” tripping in the brick holes and the “shiny new bricks” embedded come replacement time. “Free cosmetic surgery ain’t a bad thing, baby!”

As the email chain came to an end, veteran journalists at Off Leash couldn’t help but question the timing of the square’s consciousness reaching out. A concise response followed: “It was the Coca Cola contract ending. Fuck Pepsi.”