UW Frat President Going for Record 5th COVID Infection

The President of the Delta Gamma Kappa Purity Fraternity may have another accomplishment to add to his resume before graduating. Conner Cole, a UW senior, never thought he would be making history this quarter. However, after testing positive for Covid at the end of Fall quarter, Cole has a chance to set the world COVID infection record with an unprecedented fifth positive test result. 

Conner’s pandemic started out with isolation, as Cole managed to be one of the first people in Seattle to catch the virus. “It was actually a little scary at first” Cole began, “but I was only sick for a week so it didn’t end up being too bad.”

“Yuh dude, I just had a cough for a bit. I couldn’t tell anyways cause I was hitting Brett’s dab pen most of the time. The whole frat kind of just has one communal pen to make sure we’re all on the same mental wavelength when we get stoned. For some reason everyone started getting a real shitty cough after I got COVID. Brett probably needed to change the Cart or something”

Thinking he was invincible from the virus, Cole took no precautions in the summer of 2020. Unfortunately, the virus had other plans and came back with him from a trip to Miami in August. Luckily the symptoms were milder the second time around, and he really believed he was done getting Covid. “This time I didn’t feel sick, but my lungs hurt whenever I climbed the stairs. I think it was unrelated though.”

Cole was honored at the beginning of the school year in September 2020, being named the 487thPresident in Delta Gamma Kappa Purity history. Classes may have been online, but frat life certainly was not. “It was the most epic time of my life. We still had all the partying but didn’t have to wake up at all for classes the next day. it was a win-win scenario.”

All of the partying finally caught up to Cole, and in the January of 2021, he was once again infected. A third positive test is something not many people have heard of, let alone in January of last year. Cole, however, continued to defy people’s expectations. 

When the vaccine was made available to Cole, he decided not to take it, saying “I just didn’t see enough positive research about it, plus I don’t think I can get it (COVID-19) again anyways.”

He was wrong. 

Last November, Cole, along with some friends, travelled to Houston to see Travis Scott. On November 5th at the now infamous concert, Cole avoided tragedy, but got Covid. “I like trampled 30? 40 people? I was social distancing cause I found out I got COVID again so I didn’t help anyone up. Honestly, with all of the blood and vomit on the ground it was just like a normal rager at the frat house except -like, the floor was screaming.” 

After returning home to Washington, Cole was shaken up by the horrific events that he witnessed. He decided to make a change for good during his fourth isolation, “I decided to clean up my act and try not to get Covid again, because I faced death out there. I nearly died of COVID” Cole added, “It was the first time I actually realized how bad death is”

Cole was planning to get vaccinated, until a certain Offleash reporter heard about the UW student who had gotten Covid four times. Yes, it was me. I then did some research and found out that no one had gotten Covid five times. I had to reach out and inform Cole of his chance at history.

Just as I had imagined, Cole was intrigued by the opportunity to set a record. “It’s kinda like art. I always knew I was an artist. Like you know, my hero Travis Scott. I just want to be the first to set a record. For him, it was 10 people dying at his concert. For me, it’s getting COVID for a 5th time. I think he would respect that”

“The only problem I see myself having is if I still have invincibility from the fourth positive. And of course, I’m not trying to get Covid; I would just be really happy if I got it. I’ve stopped wearing my mask around my chin and I go to all of the anti-vax rallies. Those people are actually pretty sick.” 

Cole may be in a race against the clock to get the record, as some experts say the Omicron variant could take over as the dominant strain, spelling the actual end of the pandemic (for fucks sake this is actually real). That along with Cole’s violent nightly coughing have his supporters worried about him. There is little doubt, however, from us at Offleash and everyone at UW, that Cole will make us all proud.