Confused Oregon Students Found Cleaning Themselves in Montlake Cut

This past weekend, many students from the University of Oregon traveled up to Seattle only to see their beloved Ducks fall to the Washington Huskies 36-33. The flocks of people dressed in green and dehydrated-piss yellow didn’t know what to do with themselves after the football game. Some started binge drinking at Earls, some drove back to Eugene immediately with tears in their eyes, and a few students ended up doing what most ducks do and headed for the water.

That’s why on Sunday several Oregon students were seen floating and cleaning themselves in the Montlake Cut, located just south of the UW campus. Some sympathetic Seattle residents threw the students chunks of bread, while others stared and pointed. Michael Penix’s uncle, an avid duck hunter, took some shots with his rifle, but stopped after he was told that they were just students.

Jared Quacker, an Oregon junior and one of those people with alcoholic-20-year-old-face, said he was in the Cut to remember why he feels proud to be a duck.

“It’s really about going back to your roots,” said Quacker. “I thought about driving my 2003 Toyota Tacoma into Lake Washington after the game, but then, as I was heading down to the water I saw a duck just floating there and I thought it looked pretty nice.”

The students say they’re considering dropping out of school and migrating inland for the winter.

“We just gotta find some good marshland,” said Sarah Duckfoot, a Los Angeles native who was in a commercial once. “I’m not worried about dropping out because I’m sponsored by Nike and I think they like ducks. Plus floating and making duck noises is way easier than my marketing major.” 

Tensions were high when some real ducks, who weren’t too excited about the students floating in their waters, quacked really loud at them and flapped their wings. The duck students were confident, however, that soon enough the ducks would embrace them as one of their own.