Opinion: It’s Not Your Landlord’s Fault Your Heater is Broken
With snowfall and cold temperatures hitting Seattle, it’s no surprise that students are upset. Between classes being canceled, not being canceled, busses rerouting, shit being eaten on Red Square, and drafty windows, the UW student body is grumblier than ever. And one demographic is bearing far more than their share of it: landlords.
No, it’s not their fault your heater is broken. They didn’t have time to fix it, even though it was already broken last winter! They were incredibly busy with making sure your house has a diverse environment (black mold), natural decoration (black mold), and a lovely scent (black mold). Don’t forget the immune system booster (black mold, but only if you survive). You’re an ungrateful little pig. Oink oink.
Your landlord's ingenious engineering skills go unrecognized every single day, while you sit on your ass and gripe about “not being able to feel your fingers” and “my aquarium froze and all my fish died.” Instead of complaining, go into your kitchen and admire the single 2x4 that’s holding up the cabinets. Now that’s a modern marvel.
Why don’t you try fixing the heater yourself? There’s so many solutions that you could figure out if you weren’t dumber than a box of rocks, idiot. You could buy a space heater. Yeah, plug it into the loose, slutty wall sockets. Feel your electric bill rise hundreds of dollars every five minutes you have that barely functioning metal box plugged into the wall. Trust your landlord when they say the utility bill is triple what it was last month, especially if they refuse to let you see the statement. They’re too busy refusing to fix the dryer that takes three cycles to spit out slightly less damp clothes for that drivel.
You could also try setting the oven to 400 degrees and leaving the door open. Everyone in your house was smart enough to get into college, so surely they’ll be smart enough to walk around the open oven door and not trip over it, breaking their knee in the process. Oh, that natural gas smell? Don’t worry about that. Light a candle to get rid of it!
See? This is all your fault. Just for that, your landlord should raise your rent by three hundred dollars starting next month. No, starting last month. Or even before that. You owe $1200 in back pay, you piece of shit. You’re no good to society. At least if you die of hypothermia under your six Hello Kitty blankets your landlord might be able to get a grateful tenant next time.