UW Administration Facing Backlash after Announcing they will Burn All the Books

The University of Washington Administration is facing backlash after they announced they would be burning all the books on the school campus in suspected retaliation for the librarian strike.

In a statement released Monday evening, UW Director of Public Affairs Louis Cockett announced that after a recent finding that “no one even reads anymore,” the administration will be initiating the burning of “all the books.” The University also considered demolishing the entire library before remembering how much value and history the Suzzallo Starbucks adds to campus.

Cockett said that this decision was based on the research done which found that no one reads anymore, rendering the books highly dispensable. When asked about the validity of this research he maintained the importance of the study while also voicing disregard for the reporter's knowledge.

“Although I appreciate the concern, it would bode well for everyone if you let the professionals do their work and stay out of my beeswax.”

Although denying this was in response to the library strike, Cockett also, entirely coincidentally, spat at the feet of the reporter who asked this question.

This announcement is being met with mixed reactions. UW Student Krystal Bostock did not seem to care.

“It's not like anyone reads anymore,” Bostock said. “Personally, I have not read a book since I skimmed Fahrenheit 451 in high school. I just don’t see why there’s such a fuss about this. Frankly, the only thing people should be annoyed about is the nerds.”

The nerds that Bostock referred to are the protestors that have been camped out in Red Square chanting and holding signs such as “DON’T DO IT,” “unhealthy,” and “NO”.

Protester Kaleigh McAdams said that the protests were vital to the future of the university. “The burning of all the books would be incredibly harmful to the lungs of the native mottle-breasted evergreen whinchat bird, one of Washington’s most integral avian species. It is imperative that UW calls back this administrative sham.”