California Wildfires to be Deported to the Bay Area

Following the most recent California wildfires to ravage major population centers throughout the state, the newly inaugurated Trump administration has made widespread commitments to put a stop to the inconceivable destruction. Having learned from the similarly terrible fires in 2020, Trump signed an executive order to deport the wildfires from California forcibly. 

The plan, hastily scribbled using a 2009 Hello Kitty Commemorative Pen, outlines the President’s plan to “finally solve the most pressing issue in America: the Bay Area,” by airlifting the fires directly into San Francisco. To explain his intentions further, Trump addressed the press on a Twitch livestream. 

“It’s very big, a very large issue that we see, here in this beautiful country, but not always beautiful. It’s not always beautiful. The biggest issue, many say, many people are saying this, which Americans want solved. That little Mexican village [referring to San Francisco] is sending many transgenders and bisexuals to the schools in our great country. These migrants are spreading the WOKE fire across our great land, so we’re going to set the fire loose. Here and now. Losers and haters beware!”

Immediately after signing this executive order, and the 200 others littering the Oval Office floor, firefighters began herding the fires into state-of-the-art Helicopter-carrying cases. The operation, surprisingly well organized, has thrown the Bay Area into absolute chaos, taking out major cultural heritage sites across San Francisco, such as the Full House House and those little trolley car things on those nightmarish hills.

Across campus, the University of Washington Bay Area Bros (WBAB) has called for action, as their beloved city that they live kind of close to risks smelling more like smoke than it normally does. Other university students beyond just the Seattle transplants have made clear that “gassing the place up” is not the answer; if California burns, we burn together. Though there is hearty opposition in the established administration, there remains hope for universal fire devastation. 

This is a developing story.