Hall Health’s New Plan for Cold and Cough Season: Rub Some Dirt on It

The University of Washington has become ground zero for Seattle’s treacherous cough and cold season. Students are dropping like flies as dorms, fraternities, and even classrooms have become breeding grounds for sickness. 

Hall Health has responded differently to this cold and flu season, removing their calls for students to wash their hands, cough into their elbows, and stay home when they’re sick. Instead, the organization has announced a new mantra: rub some dirt on it. 

Following the reelection of President Donald Trump, the campus health organization has decided to heed the advice of the new Health and Human Services Secretary and Off Leash News endorsed candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. 

“The University of Washington takes RFK’s autism epidemic warnings very seriously,” said Hall Health representative Doctor Jill Byden, who has her doctorate in education. “We just tossed out most of our vaccines yesterday. I kept the Horny Rhino and Pretty Kitty Pills we bought in bulk from 7/11 though.” 

Students have expressed disdain for the new policy, claiming that rubbing dirt on their wounds is not as effective as simple antibiotics or ibuprofen.

“I have not enjoyed visiting Hall Health as much,” said Max Struess, a third year student currently suffering from a nasty case of chlamydia. “Rubbing dirt on my bare penis really just seems to aggravate the disease instead of cure it. I also know for a fact that chlamydia is curable.”

However, manning up and just beating your illnesses may not be enough. “We plan to take a step back and focus on medicine that works. Bloodletting, leeches, and non-sterilized amputations are making a big comeback for cough and cold season.” 

At the time of writing, the death toll as a result of Hall Health is zero. The organization predicts that with their new treatment options, it will stay this way. Off Leash News heavily disagrees.