UW Decides to End Contract with Starbucks
A freak accident involving Dubs II left five people injured and two dead on Wednesday morning. The incident occurred during a photo collab between the UW’s mascot and Starbucks Coffee near Drumheller Fountain. Dubs had been licking a double shot of espresso out of an eco-friendly container when a group of students rushed forward to try and pet him, causing him to lash out. All three victims were rushed to the hospital, and two have since died from their injuries.
Before the lovable scamp could be detained, he briefly escaped his handler and attacked four more passersby, all of whom survived.
Dubs has since been diagnosed with caffeine toxicity. A double shot of espresso contains roughly 150mg of caffeine, which is more than enough to kill an 80 pound Alaskan Malamute. Dubs was fortunate enough to avoid cardiac arrest, but he still experienced symptoms of hyperactivity and aggression due to a sudden spike in blood pressure and a heart arrhythmia.
Melanie Styles, who was pushed into Drumheller Fountain by our favorite silly little guy and has since been diagnosed with a fractured rib, a rotator cuff tear, and dysentery, says she was just glad she got to see Dubs.
“He was soooo cute,” recalls Styles, “I can’t believe I got to see him in person! I didn’t even have time to process that I was underwater, I was just happy he touched me”
The UW announced in a press release on Wednesday that it would be ending its contract with Starbucks immediately for “putting its precious little pup in danger,” a decision unanimously voted on by the university’s corporate relations team.
Starbucks has been a partner with the UW since 2012, long before the corporation started allowing baristas to wear their preferred pronouns on their aprons as a distraction from its repeated labor law violations and union-busting practices. Many students have called for the university to cut ties with Starbucks since their original contract ended in June of 2023, which The Daily covered in this article with a weirdly sexual headline. Due to the obsessive, codependent, and apparently salacious relationship between both entities, however, the UW did ultimately renew its contract with Starbucks like a good little girl.
As it turns out, the only thing the UW loves more than Starbucks is its own beloved mascot. Within hours of hearing about the incident at Drumheller, the UW’s Office of Corporate and Foundation Relations filed a lawsuit for breach of contract.
“Allowing a dog of that size to drink real coffee for a photo opportunity was not only a stupid decision, but it actively put multiple members of our community, and most importantly, Dubs, in danger.”
The Starbucks representative who coordinated the photoshoot, and who wishes to remain anonymous, replied, “I didn’t know you couldn’t do that.”
The press release also outlined plans to replace all three official Starbucks locations on campus with a Long John Silver’s restaurant, and for all other cafés currently serving Starbucks brand coffee to begin serving that watery residue from when you put your fish sticks in the microwave instead of the oven and now they’re all soggy.
When asked to comment on the university’s decision to replace Starbucks with America’s favorite fast seafood chain, Lora Marini Baker, HFS’s Director of Communications and Marketing, responded “Mmmm yummers.”
Hashtags such as #FreeDubs and #DubsDidNothingWrong are trending on Instagram and X (formerly Twitter) as the darling baby boy is currently trapped in Naughty Boy Jail.
Off Leash News was given special permission to access Naughty Boy Jail, which is a wired cage in a handler’s living room. When asked to comment on the accident that resulted in multiple deaths, Dubs sniffed our microphone. Awww.