UWPD Apprehends Dangerous Student Criminal

Last night, UWPD apprehended a long-term target the organization had been chasing for months. The department is “more than pleased” with the outcome of this case, and wants to let UW students know that the campus is in “good hands.”

“We’ve been putting a lot of manpower into this case,” said UWPD officer Don Uhtt, a veteran on the force whose pants are obviously two sizes too big for him. “Unfortunately we often had to take away focus from other more minor crimes that often appear in UW alerts. Those stabbings, robberies, shootings, muggings, car accidents, assaults, and verbal threats are often overblown. The real criminals are right here on campus.”

UW fourth year and almost-semi-habitual smoker Sam Rylen was cuffed, detained, and taken to jail last night for smoking a Camel Crush menthol cigarette behind Odegaard Undergraduate Library at 8:32 PM. UWPD claims that though the action of owning and smoking a cigarette is legal for the 22 year old, he ignored the “no smoking” sign that stood tall just a few feet away from him. 

“We believe Sam alone is the person who leaves all those cigarette butts behind the library,” said Officer Uhtt, who was constantly refastening his belt during our conversation. “We’ve been chasing him for almost 3 years, the kid’s a criminal mastermind. Now that we have him, we’re gonna throw the whole book at him in court.” 

Off Leash visited offender Sam Rylen in his holding cell, which is a locked study room in McMahon hall. 

“I don’t even smoke,” Sam told Off Leash. “This girl in a Fiona Apple shirt asked me if I wanted one. She was so hot… she finished hers in like 5 minutes but I hadn’t even burned through half of mine. She went inside and then the next thing I knew I was getting arrested.” 

Sam has been left in holding for over 15 hours. Since his arrest last night, 6 students have been robbed. UWPD has yet to identify or capture any suspects in these cases. 

“Last week I watched a UWPD officer walk past an actual mugging on campus to tell a kid not to climb on the cherry blossoms,” said Rylen. “Surely they could focus their efforts into more important things than my first cig.”

Sam’s court date will take place next Tuesday in the reading room at Suzzallo Library. As we wait for more info on the trial, Off Leash News reminds its readers to stay vigilant.