Students to be Fined for Disparaging UW in Front of Tour Groups
On Tuesday, the University of Washington’s Office of Admissions announced its plans to begin distributing fines of up to $500 to students heard speaking negatively about any physical or metaphysical thing associated with the UW in front of tour groups. This decision comes after an unusually high number of admitted students electing to attend other universities in 2024.
Casey Snitch, a student tour guide, claims she believes the university's own students are responsible for this.
“Every time I guide a tour, our group gets passed by students talking about how expensive campus dining is, or how they’re disgusted by the secret monkey dungeons in the basement of Bagley Hall. This totally ruins tourists’ first impressions of the UW,” she said. Snitch does not believe any of these negative first impressions are related to the fact that she leads the UW’s winter quarter tours.
Thus, in an effort to prevent current students from damaging the opinions of prospective ones, Admissions will begin enforcing fines in Autumn of 2025. In order to avoid the fine, students should avoid speaking about topics such as, but in no way limited to:
University-related expenses of any kind
Courses that are either too easy or too stressful
Professors or teaching assistants they do not like
The secret monkey dungeons in Bagley Hall
Student government
Tourists
Any sexual proclivities towards Harry the Husky
Parnassus Café
Looking sad or miserable in front of tour groups may result in a fine of up to $200, meaning that all students must either look happy, or slightly wistful at worst.
For anyone concerned about the implications of this policy regarding the right to free speech at a public institution, Assistant Director of Admissions for Campus Visits Georgia R. Well wishes to assure students that, quote, “it’s not that big of a deal.”
“You can still say whatever you want on campus,” said Well, “You just have to be constantly vigilant about where you are, who’s around you, and how every word you say might be perceived by anyone at any given time.”
Starting next September, admissions will also begin hiring paid actors to cross tours and say things such as, “My classes this quarter are much more difficult than what I’m used to, but I think they’re really challenging me to push myself and see what I’m capable of,” or, “I really admire the University of Washington’s commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion.”