Greg Abbott: In Memoriam

This week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott sealed up every orifice in his body and died after being told having holes makes him a girl. Colleagues watched him flop on the ground for several minutes, his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, anus, and urethra blocked with concrete sealant before he finally proved his point. His lifeless body was carried from the Texas State Capitol Building and laid on the lawn to decompose, as burying him in a hole seemed in poor taste. Construction of a giant cross-shaped cock and balls is currently underway, on which Abbott’s corpse will be crucified as a testament to his two foremost idols: biological manhood and Jesus.

Some constituents dispute whether he really died a man, as he failed to block up the thousands of pores gaping womanishly all over his body. However, many more have applauded his refusal to engage in hypocrisy. Last month, Abbott was similarly praised for releasing an official list of words he would no longer be using, including feminine terms like “love” and “quinoa,” Greek root words (they invented butt stuff), French loan words (what does a baguette look like?), and every pronoun in the English language. His last words, in keeping with these restrictions, are reported to have been, “Man man man. Man man penis. Man.”

Cecilia Abbott, the governor’s widow, tearfully told Off Leash: “I’ve never met a man with such conviction. The day he realized shitting out of your ass is just reverse gay sex, he made an appointment to have a colostomy bag installed, then canceled it because surgery is for transgenders. He held in his excrement for weeks as he agonized. In the end, he hammered a spile into his gut and squeezed himself dry like a tube of toothpaste. That’s how dedicated he was to the cause.”

Though Greg and Cecilia never met in person – he believed womanhood, like homosexuality, to be airborne – his wife described him passionately as “Greg.”

The Abbotts’ adopted daughter Audrey stated that, although her father abstained from the woman’s work of child-rearing, he did Skype her once a year for medical purposes.

“Whenever he asked me if my hymen was still intact, I knew what he was really saying was ‘I love you,’” Audrey told Off Leash with tears in her eyes. “I could talk to him about anything – my hymen, whether it was still intact, the intact or non-intact state of my hymen… God, I just can’t believe he’s gone!”

As requested in his will, Cecilia is in talks to change the state flag to depict several sperm bearing her late husband’s face, swimming to fertilize the Star of Texas. She plans to continue pursuing their shared dream of a science-based America: one in which blue chromosome means boy, pink chromosome means girl, and critical race theory means comparing the skull lengths of different ethnicities.