Breaking: Every Girl at the University of Washington Has a Boyfriend

A shocking revelation has been presented to Off Leash News from esteemed reporter Jacob Dindler: every woman on University of Washington’s campus has a boyfriend.

Dindler, a renowned hinge demon and guy who will not stop talking to you about HBO’s Succession at parties, has spent the past two weeks sniffing out singles at UW. 

“With every girl it’s the same thing,” said the reporter extraordinaire. “We’ll be talking, and she’s totally feeling me. So I’ll ask for her instagram, and then she says it. ‘I have a boyfriend,’ or ‘I’m gay.’ It’s actually ridiculous! Apparently every girl on campus is taken!”  

Dindler has purchased Hinge premium, Tinder platinum, Bumble premium, and even found his way onto J-date to try to find just one girl to go out with. Though he’s reported swiping and liking on multiple devices at the same time, not one woman has reached out in an attempt to match with him. 

“Taking out the loan for all the dating apps was really tough,” he said. “Now that I’m paying it, I think a 14.5% monthly interest rate might be illegal, actually.” 

Sources close to Off Leash reported seeing Dindler paying three hundred dollar covers at Finn’s nearly every Wednesday for a chance to potentially meet just one single girl.

“Well, first he always goes to the bar and orders a strawberry daiquiri,” the anonymous source claimed, “Finn’s doesn’t serve those. After throwing a public tantrum, he just takes like 5 lemon drop shots by himself. Then he waits until a girl walks up next to him before singing a song that he maybe knows 10% of the lyrics to. I once saw him try to sing ‘Promiscuous Girl’ by Nelly Furtado, but he thought the words were, ‘promiscuous twirl.’ He started spinning so hard that he threw up all over her before the second verse.” 

Even though the entire University female population appears to be unavailable, Dindler says not all hope is lost. 

“My friend Kibret keeps going on dates like all the time strangely enough,” he chuckled. “It’s weird because I see them on campus and he says he meets them in class, but that has to be impossible. I’m pretty sure they must be Seattle U girls.”