A Middle Class Guide to College
College is such a defining era in your life. You learn so much in these four (sometimes more if you have some type of deficiency I suppose) years, it’s quite astounding. While you will no doubt learn content in your classes, learning in these formative years is in no way limited to academia. You will be surrounded by all sorts of different people, likely with much different backgrounds from your own. While much is done to help guide first-generation students and others without sufficient means, there remains one subset of people who are often forgotten about: The Middle Class.
Oh who is thinking about The Middle Class? Off Leash News. That’s who. Finally giving a voice to the silent majority.
We’re going to be brutally honest. The Middle Class really has it rough. You for sure have it worse than the lower class. I mean welfare? C’mon, that’s basically free money! No wonder no one wants to work these days, amiright? And while outsiders may think you have money, you’re basically poor. I mean you probably don’t have upper-class money, real money. Enough money to install golden door handles and sliding barn doors – real wealth. Instead, you are subjected to the purgatory of being on the brink of poverty and being judged every time you mention that dear papa makes a meager six-figure salary.
These are unfortunately the simple but devastating truths of the world we live in. While there’s not much you can do to alleviate the prejudice levied against you, you can do your best to blend in. Off Leash News reiterates our commitment to The Middle Class and we would like to share with our readers some surefire tips and tricks to help blend it as best as possible.
To start let us establish that it is far easier for a Middle Class Person to imitate the working class than the upper class. This is odd since the Middle Class and the upper class have far more in common (smart, sexy, like shiny things, etc.) but as always our goal at Off Leash News is convenience, not truth. You can of course try to copy the aesthetic of the lower class (big t-shirt with stain, dirt under fingernails, a modest ham sandwich for lunch, so on and so forth) but to really assimilate with the lower class, you have to go deeper.
First off, you under no circumstances may disclose Mommy’s gifts. I assume we are all familiar with Mommy, yes? Not much point in going into that I suppose. Well, as we all are aware, you sometimes get gifts from Mommy. These can be mundane items, such as a serviceable bag of candy corn, a brand new phone, a computer, air pods, or a car. Those who judge The Middle Class might try to point out that these are luxuries, but how can something be luxury if you need it oh so bad? Remember to always hide the origin of such items and to lament about the poor quality of them as well to convey that you’re really just trying to scrape by at the end of the day. Say it with me, “I don’t have money, my family does.”
This second one will really get at the soul of the working class: start queuing up and singing as many pro-union songs as you can. Should you try to support unions? Maybe help bring awareness to their struggle? Eh, probably not. Seems a little messy to me. Singing a 100-year-old union song seems far more appropriate. Remember, real revolution happens at karaoke. If you really want to make an impact, you may consider posting an infographic on your Instagram story for all 1,300 of your followers to take to heart. But beware, that may cause too much change.
Last for now, always justify your future career goals. So you want to be a doctor? Or a lawyer? Sounds like a whole heck of a lot of wealth to me. Do you even care about oil miners who are also baristas with a side hustle as a door dasher? Doesn’t seem like it. Why should you? Besides the poors thinking you only care about yourself and that sweet green dough. But that can change if you say you’re a “good” professional. You could be a “good” lawyer and try to help those in need aslongasitpaysenoughiamactuallysodifferentandgooddonoteventhinkaboutit. Or you could be a really casual and not pompus doctor that wears jeans and goes by their first name butisweartogGodifyoudonotcallmedoctoriwillscream, iearneditifjillbidencanbecalleddoctorforbeingamiddleschoolteacherorwhateveryouwillcallmedoctordoyouunderstand? You’re different and good!
That’s all you need to avoid the social stigma of being a good, hard worker. One last thing though, and maybe even most important of all: never deny yourself glamor darling. Your rich friend shows mercy to you and invites you to their mansion and yacht? Uh yeah, you’re going there. You deserve it. Don’t even think about it, you’re so good. That is all for now, and remember The Middle Class, we are always looking out for your best interests. Goodnight, and remember to Venmo request your friends for the three dollars they owe you.