UW Freshman Buys Way Too Many Condoms

UW freshman, Noah Johnson, felt deep regret after buying a box of thirty-six condoms at the beginning of the year, thinking he would be having a lot more sex than he currently is.

Johnson bought the condoms at the University District Target in late September. He saw the bundle pack of thirty-six and decided it was better to be safe than sorry. Little did he know, he was playing it a little too safe. It didn’t take long into the first quarter for him to realize this, as by mid-October he had used zero out of the thirty-six condoms.

Johnson spends most Friday and Saturday nights in his room on his computer, not having sex. Dorm life is a far different experience than he was led to believe. He assumed, after watching countless hours of porn in high school that he would be having dorm orgies almost every weekend. If not an orgy, at least a three-way. This has not been the case, and Johnson has had to deal with the harsh reality that having no luck with girls in high school carries over into college.

After months of waiting, Johnson did finally have a semi-sexual encounter with a girl. It was a late Friday night and Johnson was in the laundry room, poking around the vending machines looking for a Snickers bar. He finally found his candy and started to leave before being stopped at the door by two drunk girls who were coming home from a party. One of the girls grabbed Johnson by the shirt and gave him a big smooch on the lips. Shocked, Johnson stood there, unmoving. He was happy, of course, but stunned nonetheless. It was at that moment that Johnson realized the girl was none-other than Lindsey White, his next-door neighbor. He didn’t know what to do, so he panicked and ran back to his room. 

Months after that, Johnson had another encounter with Lindsey White. This time he saw her in the hallway and decided to talk to her. After some raunchy conversation and sly physical moves by both parties, he ended up back in her room with one of his thirty-six condoms in his pocket. Things were getting frisky, and when he thought it was the right time to take out his condom, she stopped him and said, “Oh, you don’t need that, I have an IUD.”

Alas, Johnson was laid, but his condoms remained unused. And so they sit in his drawer, waiting for a chance to prove their worth.