UW Students Now Eligible To Pay For Tuition With Box Tops
This past Wednesday, the University of Washington announced that it would be accepting Box Tops in place of tuition for the upcoming school year. Off Leash reached out to a school representative to inquire why the university made such a bold decision. “The pandemic has put a financial burden on all of us, including the University of Washington,” stated UW’s representative Genny Mills, “We have decided to invoke the Box Top program to help make ends meet around here.”
We also asked Mills to elaborate on how the university came up with such an innovative idea to solve the budget crisis: “The idea originated from an advanced level Foster business course. While most business courses involve students completing complex tasks such as crosswords or filling out coloring pages, this brood of elite students have graduated to attempting the three dimensional problems printed on the sides of cereal boxes. One student had a stroke of genius after completing one of the most daunting ‘maze’ problems on the side of a Cocoa Puffs box when he saw the Box Top adjacent to the exit of the maze.” Mills explained how news of the discovery soon reached the upper echelons of the UW administration and the new box top program was quickly adopted.
When we inquired how UW currently spends its budget or what led the university to beg for Box Tops, Mills suddenly became hostile, saying, “Why are you asking? You don’t need to know that. What are you, the ‘government’? Some IRS bootlicker that’s for sure.” Mills then stormed out of the room. Not satisfied with this response, Off Leash obtained the UW’s 2020-2021 fiscal report through means that are better if you just didn’t ask about.
University of Washington 2020-2021 Fiscal ReportTotal Budget - $8.5 billionExpensesFootball - $3.0 billionFrat Row Hush Money - $1.0 billionDog Treats - $500 millionAna Marie Cauce She-shed Fund - $1.5 billionSchool Stuff? Idk - $500George Washington Statue Cleanup - $500 millionDrumheller Geese Tribute - $2.0 billionIt is clear from looking at this report that funding of academic activities was taking its toll on university resources. The university hopes that the introduction of the Box Tops program will help alleviate the deficit caused by greedy little undergrads and allow for funding for more pressing projects. For only the small cost of approximately 117,450 Box Tops (391,140 for out-of-state students) per year, you too can be a Husky!