Seattle Faces Paper Shortage Amidst Cherry Blossom Tourist Swarm

With the cherry blossom trees on campus officially in bloom, the University of Washington has begun its busiest season for tourism. The unending sea of tourists poses many problems for both students and administrators, who struggle to attend classes and meetings on time with so many major pathways blocked. 

Another pressing issue is the lack of available parking on campus, which is already a nightmare for commuters any other time of year. What little spots were available are being snatched up with a cruel ferocity unlike what any student or faculty member has ever seen before. In response, the admin has begun the rollout of a policy to protect whatever sacred campus parking spots are available.

The central thesis of this new plan is to strong arm tourists by leaving signs in all campus parking lots reading “NO CHERRY BLOSSOM PARKING”. Having seen these signs, the tourists would realize that what they’re doing is wrong and illegal, and drive off to one of the pay-to-park lots. 

At the beginning, two signs with this text were placed strategically at the entrances of parking lots campus-wide. However, after only a few days, it became clear that there was no discernible change in the parking experience, and lots were still overflowing. Not so quick to be deterred, the administration began printing more signs, surrounding the perimeter of each parking lot. As there continued to be no results, the UW began printing other phrases on these signs, such as “EVERY TWO SECONDS, A UW STUDENT IS HIT BY A TOURIST CAR”, “THE TWIN TOURISTS” (with a graphic image of two cherry blossom trees being hit by an airplane), and “OUR FUNDING HAS ALREADY BEEN CUT, WE CANNOT AFFORD MORE PARKING LOTS FOR OUR STUDENTS” in bold lettering. 

After weeks of this continuous cycle of adding more signs to no avail, the average parking lot on the UW campus has reached an average of four-hundred signs (ten per square meter); and yet, parking on campus remains a nightmare.

Though the University shows no signs of stopping the sign output, they may be forcibly cut off by the dwindling paper supply in the greater Seattle area. Paper manufacturers have been raising the alarm bells as they cannot make paper as quickly as the UW processes it to make anti-tourist parking signs. This past weekend, the supply has dwindled to near zero, leaving only primitive options for sign creation, like chalkboards, compostable recycled paper, and body paint. 

The overseers of this project have fully doubled down, insisting there are always more trees to cut down, so long as they don’t have cherry blossoms on them. Head Organizer, Michael Onceler, was quoted to have said, “Fly it in! I don't care! We must keep placing more signs, surely at some point the tourists will notice them.”