Off Leash's Top Five Gift Ideas

With the holidays around the corner, UW students are scrambling to find inexpensive, original gifts for their friends and family, but worry not! The writers at Off Leash have your back, and have assembled a list of perfect gifts for everyone you know!

For the uncle in your life: Infowars® Red-Pilled Gun-Tiger Erection Supplements™

We all have that uncle right? Balding, middle aged, and impotent. So this holiday season give your uncle (and aunt) the gift of erection. Made from 100% alpha male testosterone, this supplement has been called “the ichor of the gods” by Kanye West, “the best thing to happen to men since the ERA wasn’t passed” by Tucker Carlson, and “a biohazard” by the FDA. Red-Pilled Gun-Tiger Erection Supplements™ are the best erection supplements out there, from the prestigious baby’s first chemistry lab of beloved intellectual Alex Jones, these miracle workers are 100% guaranteed to not turn him into a beta cuck like Viagra will.

For your youth pastor: Bestselling novel Wet Goddess by Malcolm Brenner

Josh is a complex figure. He knows so much about the Bible, yet he’s a hip and approachable late-20s single guy. And single guys get lonely, and he says its sinful to read about sexual acts between two people. So why not give him a copy of the greatest love story ever told, between a young hippy and a moist, sensual creature of the sea, Ruby the dolphin. This will be sure to help him stay away from premarital sex.

For the homeless man outside your building: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

A little known fact: the leading cause of homelessness is simply not appearing to be smart. So help this poor soul by doing what I did to get into this university: pretending to have read Infinite Jest. Simply include a notecard with a list of smart-sounding talking points about the book. No one has actually read the 1,079 page, footnote-riddled postmodernist, encyclopedic novel, so as long as he’s got the SparkNotes (and one standard-issue hot take) he’s good to go! Come tomorrow, he’ll be on the cover of Forbes. He’s sure to appreciate such a thoughtful, necessary gift, that shows you understand the struggle of the unhoused.

For your niece: Lawn Darts

So, your sibling got some action, and now you have to get some little brat a gift every year, great. Solve this issue by giving her a set of vintage lawn darts. These glories are sharp, hefty, and were recalled for a damn good reason. Say goodbye to your niece, and hello to saving your time and money! You can’t get charged for the inevitable accident, so rest easy knowing that it’ll be their own fault. Okay sure, you’ll be indirectly killing a child, but it’s not like she’ll live until 30 anyway. Climate change will take care of her eventually so why wait? Get her picked off sooner than later so that you don’t have to wait until the inevitable collapse of society to ditch her boring little birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese.

For the guy you met at the Odegaard glory hole: Christmas Wish® by Yankee Candle™

What can you get for a man with an 11-inch schlong? You’ve puzzled for a month now, gone over everything in the dumb list you made for the school paper you write for. He doesn’t need erection supplements, he gets those no issue, maybe lawn darts? But you could never put such a pinnacle of masculinity in harm’s way. He won’t need Infinite Jest, that penis guarantees a six-figure salary straight out of college. So, why not give up, and just give him the dusty, decade old Yankee Candle™ your meemaw keeps on the top shelf in her pantry. Good enough, just like your modest three-incher.