Child Spotted on Campus, Shocks UW Community

Wednesday afternoon, to the surprise and even horror of many UW students, a child was spotted on campus. The child was part of a field trip from a local middle school, meant to encourage youngsters to attend college, but reactions from the college students may have had the opposite effect.

Joey “Bonanza” Thompson, senior and president of most fraternities, who also wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have experienced a close encounter with it. Reportedly, Thompson offered his vape and four beers to the twelve year old, stating it would, “help toughen it up,” and “make it a great pledge for the class of 2032.” 

The twelve year old accepted Joey’s gracious offerings, and hit a fatty ghost. As it had proven that it was not a little dweeb bitch who couldn’t rip an elf bar, Joe was legally obligated to offer it a bid encompassing every single Greek house. Other students witnessed it walking around the HUB, searching out food options and hitting the gritty to impress “hot co-eds.” UW students have remarked on its innate ability to “whip” and “nae nae,” as well as its irregularly small stature. 

“I didn’t know people came in that size,” said freshman Firstname Bungus. “How is it so small? I bet I could fit it in my mouth.” In a similar vein, a group of students were overheard in Red Square discussing how a human could be so small, yet so annoying, along with the best way to corner it so they could dissect it for their bio labs. 

As for what this means for the UW community, frankly, we don’t know. Its presence could endanger the fragile sexual ecosystem at our school, as it was overheard telling no one in particular that “bitches” can’t stay off its “wiener” when they see its “epic moves.” The food served at UW dining locations may also face changes, as it’s already started campaigning for Dub Street to be replaced with “Mr. Beast Burger” locations. Best of luck, fellow huskies.