Jeremy Allen White Ruined Friendsgiving

A new Thanksgiving tradition known as Friendsgiving has become a cultural phenomenon in the United States in the past decade. The event consists of friends gathering together for a large potluck dinner sometime in late November, and spending the evening being thankful for one another. 

While the tradition has grown in popularity the past few years, a November 2024 study predicts that thousands of friendsgivings this year are to be ruined by a spike in viewership of “The Bear.” 

“Friendsgiving is typically celebrated by younger Americans,” says researcher Joan Gobble. “This is the generation that is consuming media on streaming platforms like Netflix, Hulu, and Youtube. All places they could have seen Jeremy Allen White sexualized in one way or another.” 

The study predicts that about 40% of the guys you least want at friendsgiving this year will actually insist on hosting it, and try to flash their Calvin Klein’s when they bend over to open the oven. Schlubby men across the country will be using their friendsgiving celebrations as a last ditch effort to woo the hot chick in the friend group before a dreary and sexless winter. 

Off Leash News sat down to interview Santana Marcus, a fourth year at UW who recently attended a friendsgiving as described in the study. “I went over to help my friend James prepare the friendsgiving entree, which he insisted had to be the feast of seven fishes. His kitchen is actually pretty big, but he kept screaming ‘hands’ and 'behind’ like we were back to back.” 

James is a fellow UW fourth year student who uses deli containers to store his food because he saw a tiktok that called this practice “the industry standard.” 

“No, I’ve never worked in a restaurant,” said James while nursing a very bloody thumb next to an incredibly poorly diced onion. “I got into cooking when I saw how many girls loved Carmy in The Bear. I think I can really reel them in with my culinary talent and self-hatred.” 

Unfortunately the interview was cut short, as James had to be taken to the hospital due to several lacerations on his hands resulting in severe blood loss. Paramedics said that when they looked inside his kitchen most of the vegetables were “more stabbed than anything. Not diced. Definitely not diced.”

Santana hosted friendsgiving at his house instead, where he had a threesome with the two hottest girls in his friend group after a long conversation about how much he loved Shameless.