Legendary UW Procrastinator Forced Out of Retirement

After narrowly submitting his latest 15 page midterm essay two minutes before the 11:59 pm deadline, third year political science student and general dumbass Michael Wong swore he would never procrastinate another assignment again. 

“I was disappointed to hear that Michael was retiring from procrastinating assignments,” said Japanese studies TA Mark Leper. “I never looked forward to the flood of notifications I received around 11:55 on due dates, but I was always impressed with Michael’s consistency.”

Michael has had one of the most legendary procrastination careers that the University of Washington has ever seen. Before officially committing to the UW in 2023, Michael started his career in procrastination fairly late when he first blew off a writing assignment on the Great Gatsby during online school in 2020. After finishing the paper and book in under 6 hours, he knew he was destined for procrastination at a D1 school.

For the rest of his high school career Michael was spectacular, averaging 15 extension emails to the teacher, 6 skipped classes to miss tests, and 85% of assignments completed on or past the assigned due date per semester. A hot commodity and five star recruit, Michael was scooped up by the UW in the transfer portal after a brief stint as a procrastinator at Indiana University. 

Michael is a legend in his field, spending time doing practically anything but working.

“In my junior year of high school I got really into crosswords during class,” said Michael. “Seriously I can do the New York Times in under 45 minutes if I have the hints on.” 

As I sat to watch Michael struggle through clues such as “5 letter word for the color of fresh snow” and “4 letter word for the opposite of cold,” a Canvas notification reading “ANNOUNCEMENT: PRESENTATION REMINDERS for POL S 420: FOREIGN POLICY IN JAPAN” popped up on his screen. 

Without missing a beat, Michael opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out an old positive Covid test. He snapped a quick picture of it on his desk and furiously typed the most eloquent request for an excused absence I’ve ever seen. Just like Jordan returning to the Bulls, the University of Washington witnessed a legend out of retirement. 

Michael is scheduled to graduate with a 3.52 in the spring of 2026, though we’ll have to wait and see if he follows through with that date.